Finding My Spirit

I have always thought of myself as an upbeat, positive person. I have always involved myself in many forms of ministry, through home, through work, through family, and even through play.
For the most part, I see life as a gift and blessing and that holds true for our new surroundings.
I am beginning my fifth week in this new place. There are so many great things about living in Salem. We are only 60 minutes from the beach, 60 minutes from a major city with lots of activities, and 60 minutes from the mountains. The town itself has a great parks system and there are some wonderful activities to participate in every day. This is a beautiful place to live and things are going well. We have a great house, the kids are adjusting, my husband loves his job, my sister is thrilled to have family in the area... the list of blessings goes on and on.

So why can't I see the gift for me in this move?
Why do I feel sad or bored most of the time? It was only four months ago that I would have loved to be at home with no schedule or activites to prevent me from doing whatever I chose to do that day. Why am I having such a hard time with all of this? Why do I feel as if I am slipping into a void?

I've been trying to understand this change in myself. I want to feel whole again and not like I do today, torn apart, as if a huge part of me is missing. But I suppose that is the problem.... a huge part of me is missing. A part of my spirit is gone. I don't think it is gone forever. I think it is just gone for a while; gone, missing, misplaced, as if my spirit is not yet unboxed after the move.


A couple of months ago I shared with a good friend my fear of leaving my minstry and leaving my friends. I knew this was going to be difficult. It already felt painful to thinking about it. I shared my feelings and fears of not knowing how to let go. How does one leave something so integral to ones spirit? His words weren't easy to hear, but they were the words I needed to hear.

He told me, "It's not about you! Just go! Your spirit will find you."

His words helped me break away and make the move, but now that I am here it still feels as if my spirit is what is packed away in a box somewhere that I haven't opened yet. I don't feel whole without it and I am falling away, falling down, just falling. I don't know what to do. Where do I look? Or am I supposed to be patient and let my spirit find me again?


All I am left with are questions that no one can answer, a little bit of trust that I will be reunited with my spirit, and a lifeline of hope that there is something out there for me.

They say change is good....

They say change is good. They say change is difficult. They say change is inevitable. I think it is safe to say that even though I don't know who "they" are, I have found these three statements about change to be true for me.

I have eight children. It doesn't seem that long ago that all ten of us lived under one roof as a family. One family living, sharing, fighting, loving, annoying, and laughing together. However when I think about how long ago it has been since we shared the same home I realize that it has been seven years now. Seven years! When did all this time pass and how did it pass by without me knowing it? Four of our eight children have graduated high school and are on their own life's journey.
And in many ways my own life journey has taken a new turn as well.


One month ago I and four of our children left Kearney, my home of nearly thirteen years, to join my husband (and child #6) in Salem Oregon where he had been living and working for the previous four months. It was with very mixed emotions that I started my car and began the trek 1500+ miles across the country to join them in our new house. Waving to me in the rear view mirror was my oldest daughter and her husband (who will soon give birth to our first grand child) along with our oldest son, our third child, and a couple of dear friends.


This past month has found me experiencing life in vastly different surroundings. Everything about where I live and work is different. I expected vast differences especially in terms of our terrain and climate. But there are differences that one never anticipates until you are right there living and trying to function in a new environment such as: where do you buy groceries? What isle is the lemon juice in? Why can't I pump my own gasoline? Who are these people we are calling neighbors? Where is the dump? How do I find someone to cut and color my hair? Which schools do I enroll the kids in? How do I choose a parish, by boundaries or by where I want to worship? Where is the liquor store?
There is a lot to be learned and a lot to adjust to. Most of the time I feel as if my world has been turning, spinning and rotating and I am just trying to stay upright.
I have found that when I can go to the beach and just sit by the ocean then I feel more solid, I feel more grounded, I feel a sense of peace in my world.
I hope to get to the beach more often until I don't need to go to the beach as often.