Auld Lang Syne

New Year's Eve.

Here it is once again.

I have struggled over the years with getting excited about the new year.
Maybe because as a kid it marked the end of our Christmas break.

As a teen it just meant another night when my friends went out and I worked drive up window at Wendy's serving all the drunks.

As a young adult, and with babies in the house, I seldom drank. I might have a toast at midnight if I was still awake.

It wasn't until 1999 that we actually celebrated with friends.
The year of the big Y2K scare!

That year began a tradition of us 6-8 couples getting together and playing a How to Host a Murder game, full costumes and all. Those are great memories.

This year we are back to celebrating at home, not with little ones mind you.
And it is different having adult children to celebrate with.

But it leaves me to ponder the event a New Year celebration is to so many and wonder why?

What am I missing?

Or is it just hype?


Here are some quotes I found reflecting other's thought about the New Year:
(In No particular order.)


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning.
~T.S. Eliot
(I like the line: next year's words await another voice.)


He who breaks a resolution is a weakling;
He who makes one is a fool.
~F.M. Knowles
(Would I rather be a weakling or a fool?)

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions. ~Joey Adams
(If I don't make a resolution, does that mean my troubles will disappear?)

We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day. ~Edith Lovejoy Pierce
(Chapter 1: Opportunity. I need more time to think about this.)


The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to. ~P.J. O'Rourke
(Jeff don't get offended, please. I just thought it was funny.)


Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to. ~Bill Vaughn
(That be true!)


An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in.
A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves. ~Bill Vaughan
(I figure the new year will happen whether my eyes are open or closed.)


Many people look forward to the new year for a new start on old habits. ~Author Unknown
(This has generally been my pattern. In light of the above quote about being a weakling or a fool, I am still undecided.)


A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other. ~Author Unknown
(I thought this was funny and accurate. At least for me.)


Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man. ~Benjamin Franklin
(You can never go wrong with ole Ben. I believe it was Ben that said, " Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.")


People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas. ~Author Unknown
(Another true statement that should become my resolution.)


We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives... not looking for flaws, but for potential. ~Ellen Goodman
(As I have begun my list of repairs to make around the house in my unemployed state, I think I will take this quote to heart.)


The only way to spend New Year's Eve is either quietly with friends or in a brothel. Otherwise when the evening ends and people pair off, someone is bound to be left in tears. ~W.H. Auden

(I wish all my friends and family much love and happiness in the coming year.)

Curve Balls

Today a curve ball came zinging past me.


I wasn't prepared for it.

I was caught just outside the batters box adjusting my batting glove,
knocking the mud out of my cleats, and adjusting my helmet.

I appears I had my feet in the box just far enough for the pitch to be thrown.

And I didn't even get off a weak swing.

A good friend was laid off at Habitat today.

He didn't see the zinger coming either.

Its funny how in hind site things become more clear.

I resigned on the 9th of December with full intent to stay on at least through January when they could find a replacement.
I was told to be gone in two weeks.
In the next sentence I was offered the opportunity to be 'laid' off so I could file for unemployment.
I declined.
It felt... wrong.

Now I can only 'assume' their intent was to let me go at the end of the month regardless.

I don't mind so much letting a pitch pass me by and not taking a swing at it.
Lord knows I let some good pitches go a time or two in the past.
Theres that...
along with the knowledge that I have at least 2 more pitches coming.

But no one likes to be caught off guard or unaware.

It appears my desire to get out and not play the game any more was a good call.
I evidently wasn't very good at playing their game anyway.

So another friend left behind is trying to cover the infield all alone.
And I have no option but to sit on the sidelines and watch the game play on.

Snowfall in West Salem

Our house sites up on a hill at nearly 500 ft above sea level.
Often times this is just high enough for us to get
amazingly huge gentle snow flakes.
Today was one of those days.

This is our first snow fall of the season.
Snow isn't common in our area in spite of the large amount
of 6-8 inches we received last year during the Christmas break.
The weather indicated it would be 40 degrees today.
Someone was wrong.

I was glad to be home where I could grab my camera
and head outside and get some shots before the snow went away.

I am thankful for the beautiful snow and for how it melts away easily.
And I am thankful to have something to blog about
other than what is rolling around in my head.

Perhaps tomorrow....

Significance? ...or not?

Today I am feeling much better.
I can't help but reflect on the coincidence of my falling ill on my last day of work at Habitat.
And 5 days later, Monday, a work day that I am home and no longer employed
...I am feeling better!
I have taken it easy today, not pushed myself, played with iPhoto, and colored my hair.

Is there any significance in feeling better?
Probably not.

But it is something for me to blog about which I hope to do more of in the coming weeks/months perhaps years.
Who knows.

Tomorrow, hopefully I will be more inspired to get up and moving before the day is nearly done. Then perhaps I will have something of significance to blog about.

or not...?
;-)

Being sick

I'm not very good at being sick.
I am more comfortable helping others, not being helped.
But I've been battling fever, chills & muscle aches for 5 days now.
I am surprised how 100.5 makes one feel verses the normal 98.6.
I wouldn't think nearly 2 degrees could cause such illness.
It doesn't help that this is Christmas weekend.

The kids and especially Jeff are taking good care of me.
I guess that is a huge perk to being married to a doctor.
I wish I was better and could celebrate Brad's birthday today the way I planned.
Instead I am laying in bed listening to the kids make plans, and cancel plans, based on whether I can join them or not.

No pictures with this post...
But I am able to at least pass my waking hours with a little journaling and Facebook.

Christmas Joy 2009

Well we have finished our Christmas celebrations for 2009.
It's been a joy filled time with the kids in spite of battling a fever and muscle aches.




Our family numbers 9 with Brad & Aimee here,
I still miss the larger gatherings with family and friends.
So I am extra thankful that we had some time with my sister and her family today.


Here are a few pictures of some of the family fun...
Jeff and his KU snuggie!
Sporting a snuggie makes one feel like a bit of a dork while wearing it,
but I do admit is quite warm when one is feeling feverish
.


Sometimes the kids do 'play well with others'.
and it is always fun to watch them as they get a bit silly.
















I hope all my friends and family have had some Christmas Joy with their loved ones this year.
Know that you are in our thoughts and prayers through the holidays.

Last Day.

Today is my last day at Habitat for Humanity Mid Willamette Valley.
I am not sure how I feel about this.

I resigned for good reasons.
I feel at peace about my decision,
but I just wish things would have been different here.
I wish politics had not gotten in the way of the mission.
Maybe my wish should have been for me to be better at politics.
But...
I am not good at politics.
I am not good at playing games.
And ultimately it felt like trying to do such was killing my spirit.

So in about 6 hours I will walk out on this chapter of my life and once again be soul searching.

Adventing...

Advent at the Brown house has taken on a different look this year.

Growing up Catholic I have always been taught that
Advent means 'to come'.
It is a time of preparation, of waiting, anticipating the coming of Christ.

But in the past few 'decades' it seems like we do a lot of preparing,
but not much waiting or anticipating.

I wanted this year to be different.

I didn't want to get as caught up in the preparation part that comes with Advent and Christmas as I have in years past.

I wanted to have some waiting, ...
...some anticipating.

And if I am to be honest....

I wanted a less stressful Advent.

So in my selfishness I thought it would be a good idea to engage the household preparations in stages.

First Sunday in Advent we bought our tree.

The second Sunday of Advent we put our tree up and got new candles for our Advent Wreath.

The Third Sunday we added lights to the tree.


And finally,
after a bit of waiting and anticipating....
the fourth Sunday of Advent arrived and we decorated the tree complete with Angel on the top.
(okay, maybe it was Saturday and not quite Sunday but you get the idea.)

I'm not sure the kids like or appreciate this experience of Advent,
but I know it has made my weekends considerably less stress filled.

So to anyone out there that happens to check my blog, I share with you the sentiment of my dear friend Jim...

Advent Well!

Transitions.... Again!

I am transitioning once again.


I am boxing up my memories, all my 'fung something', bits and pieces of myself again and packing them away on a shelf in the garage.


I resigned my position at Habitat for Humanity to become a stay at home wife and mother again.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find a place that truly feels comfortable, feels like I fit in, and belong. (I should clarify that before some people begin wondering what I mean.)

My wondering applies more to what I am supposed to 'do' with my life,
and isn't about who I am supposed to 'be' with.

I know resigning was the right decision at this time, but it doesn't keep me from wondering what I am meant to do now.

Am I just supposed to 'be'?
Be here for Jeff?
Be here for the kids?
Just be ... here?

Maybe the answer is yes, at least for now.
Maybe the answer is yes.

I think that is the scary part for me.
Maybe the answer is just yes.

Fr. Dan used to say we are Human 'Be'ings,
Not Human 'Do'ings.

Perhaps that is all I need to do is just 'Be'.

Beginning 8 days from now I will be unemployed by my own choice.
I let go of a job in a time when thousands are unemployed and unable to find work.

So I better get used to the idea...

I will try to not 'Do' so much and just 'Be' for a while.

I guess that will leave me more time for blogging.

Perhaps the Best is Yet to Come!

Hearts of Stone

Hearts of Stone...
Stone shaped Hearts...
Heart Rocks...
The heart rocks...
Rocks rock! ? !...
I love rocks.
I have loved rocks since I was a kid.
I am sure I have blogged about rocks in general and specific rocks before.

But they still fascinate me.

When I go to the beach I never know what rock might capture my eye.
Sometimes they are simple and round.
Sometimes perfectly Square.
Sometimes it is a rock that has a hole worn clear through it.
Sometimes they are black and sometimes they are pure white.

But my favorites are those shaped like hearts.
I haven't found that many over the years, but last night I found another one.
Its a perfect size to carry in my pocket.
I think I will carry it with me for a while until I add it to the rock bowl sitting at the edge of my tub.

Certain rocks stay with me for years and I always remember when and where I found them.
They remind me of a certain time in my life. Other rocks I add to the bowl and I don't remember what intrigued me about the rock or why I picked them up to begin with.

This one I think I will remember for a long time.

circles & rings

My life seems to be going in circles lately.
It feels like I am spinning, spinning my wheels, spinning myself dizzy.

I need something to grab hold of, to steady me, to help me stabilize my life.

Maybe I'll go home and cook, or bake, or clean house.
Maybe that will ground me and keep things from spinning.
A clean house and a warm, home cooked meal always seems to bring a sense of comfort.

Birthday wishes...

I wish to experience this one life I have to the fullest;
the good and the bad,
the gift and the shadow,
the blessing and the curse.

I wish for sad times, frowns and
a long stormy night.
So that I can better appreciate
good cheer, lots of smiles,
and a bit of sunshine.

I wish for recipes gone wrong and burnt meals so that I can enjoy my cooking when it comes out right.

I wish for sorrow so that I can
recognize joy, deep down, heartfelt joy.

I wish for confusion, frustrations, and loneliness
so that I can experience understanding,
acceptance, and companionship.

I wish for absences and distance between loved ones so
that I treasure lengthy lunches filled with conversations with good friends.

I wish for tears that later turn into laughter.

I wish for days filled with struggles and turmoil so I can relish a day when all things go smoothly.

I wish for heart aches and hurts so
that I can hold tight to a love that lasts a lifetime.

That's my birthday wish.

Moody Weather

Today I am in a mood.
A dreary, down, gray mood.
It would appear my mood matches the weather outside.
What I have to wonder about ... Am I in this mood because of the weather?
I imagine I simply wasn't ready to face another Monday in the office.
I crawled out of bed, showered quickly, and opted to just throw on some jeans and a comfortable hoody.
I was at work briefly, decided to check on my co-worker only to find her trying to hold back the gallons of water pouring onto her desk from the leaky roof.
I took the trash can from her that she was using to catch the downpour and had her go about moving her computer, printer, and phone before they were ruined.
Just about that time another leak in the roof opened up and poured directly on top of my head and down my back. My first thought was thank God I didn't waste time doing my hair this morning.

I never know what a day will bring working for this non-profit.
But being doused with rain water inside our offices sure wasn't even in the realm of thought for me this Monday morning.

It was either laugh or cry about the situation. We all chose to laugh.
Now I am just trying to dry out and get started on my day.

a warm and tender hand...

Recently while hiking along a sandy ridge in Pacific City I stumbled.

I lost my balance, I planted my hand in the sand in an effort to keep myself from falling further down hill.

It wasn't until on the way back up hill from the oceans' edge that I saw my hand print clearly etched there marking the location of where I nearly fell.

I've thought a lot about this hand print. I am not sure how to wrapped words around why it has captured so much of my thoughts lately. I suppose part of it is because it looks upraised instead of indented. Or perhaps it is more on my mind because it reminds me of how I stumble in so many aspects of my life, how I seem to fall short, fall down, or just feel as though I am falling.

It makes me thankful for the times I have caught myself, appreciative of the times someone else has caught me, and hoping that there will always be someone to lend me a loving hand when I need it most.

And Life Blooms

I have always admired people who seem to have a 'green' thumb.
Those who can make plants grow and thrive.
I have never been very good at keeping plants alive.
I think of myself as having a 'brown' thumb.

So when my Christmas Cactus blooms I am surprised and delighted.
I have seen other Christmas Cactus plants double and triple the size of mine,
but when mine blossoms it bring me joy.
I guess when I see just about any flower in bloom I feel happy.
Whether it be bright colorful daisy's or cactus flowers in Tucson.
I just have to smile.


And it seems lately that in my life I am searching for more and more blossoms to bring a little joy and delight to my life.

Homecoming

Tonight is the Homcoming dance at West Salem. I have three teens making plans to get all dressed up and dance the night away.
This will be Jacquie's first high school dance.
It makes me wonder where the years have gone.
It seems like yesterday that I was dressing her up for her baptism.
I have been raising children for 28 years. Many more years than I was single. I don't know any other life and I can't imagine anything else I would rather do.

I know I'm not finished and perhaps never will be, but the day to day hands on chaos of laundry, details, runny noses, and schedules are lightening up.

Life is quite different with four teens than it was with four pre-teens and four toddlers/infants.

I never understood people talking about the sadness of being 'empty-nesters'. I always thought it sounded wonderful.

But as the house gets more and more quiet on the evenings when the kids are out with friends, I am getting a glimpse of what the future will look like.

I am working on getting in shape so Jeff and I can do more biking, hiking, and hopefully ... kayaking is in our future as well.






-- Post From DWNTWN's iPhone

To Blog, or Not to Blog...

It has been such a long time since I have made time to blog.
I guess that means it has been a while since I have taken the time to pause, reflect upon, and write about the goings on of my life.

I looked at the date on my last entry, nearly 2 months ago and was tempted to just not sign in until
October 2nd.

But here I am, in the few shorts minutes that I have, trying to pause, reflect upon, and actually recall the past 57 days.

The blessing for me in looking back is generally all I can recall are the highlights, the good memories.
If I were to blog everyday I think the low points would most likely rise to the surface and dominate my thoughts and conversation.

So I guess the gift in waiting to blog is it gives time for the cream to rise to the top.
All the good stuff floats up and is what I remember most;
Visits with good friends, family and loved ones,
birthday and anniversary celebrations,
camping and outdoor adventures,
and time with the remaining 4 kids who still live at home.
Alex has started his senior year, Caroline is a new teen driver, Jacquie is playing soccer on the freshman team, and Laura is adjusting well to middle school life.
Only vague memories of work struggles, mismanaged people issues, and clashing of personality styles remain.

It helps me recognize that I need to simply let go of the work struggles.
They aren't important.
Family and friends are what will linger in my memory and in my heart and will rise to the top.

Good friends and photos

This past week I was blessed by a visit from a close friend.
It has been a long awaited visit.
Jim was supposed to have arrived in Portland over two years ago.

He was detoured by an accident in which he broke his neck.

We joke with Jim about going to extreme measures to avoid a visit to the Brown home,
but am ever so thankful that he continues to recover and has taken the time to come and visit us here in Oregon.

We had a wonderful visit catching up and reminiscing, visiting brew pubs, and walking along a very foggy beach as we escaped the heat in the valley.

We saw a few sights but mostly enjoyed the company of one another.

One thing I didn't do was take photos.
I am one that often has a camera in hand to 'capture the memories'.

But it seems that when I am with Jim, I am too busy living in the moment.
I don't think much about 'capturing it'.

On the way to the airport as we prepared to say our good-byes, I made it a point to 'capture the memory'. At least as much as an iPhone can.

Jim, Thank you for coming. It meant so much to us.
Be well and enjoy the next leg of your journey.

7 weeks ago and in between

Warning: Anyone reading this should be aware of the disjointed, difficult to follow, nature of my thought process today. That and I am sitting at Boons working on a Long Island Ice Tea.

7 weeks ago...

Without my blog I wouldn't be able to tell you what I was doing or what I was thinking on June 8th, 2009, 7 weeks ago.
So how do I begin to recap all that has happened in between now and then which has been 47 days or so?

I guess I start with now....
I am troubled, I am struggling, questioning, searching, doubting....
I suppose that is what brings me to blog more often than not.

When things are good I have less tendency to make time to blog.

I guess that means for the most part the past 7 weeks have been filled with a lot of good things.
Just to name a few:
I had a girls graduation weekend at the coast with Caroline, Jacquie and Laura in Mid June when school was out.
Melissa, Justin and the boys were out for a visit the end of June-first part of July.
We had a fabulous time!

Mike and Aimee drove out and were able to stay here for a few weeks too!
That was awesome!
The whole family was together. That hadn't happened in over a year.


We have been to Coos Bay and Sandfest where I had the time of my life pretending to be a real photographer.

Our 4th of July and Birthday celebrations at the Ervin's in Portlands have to be highlights as well.
Brad has been with us this summer giving us time for great conversations. In addition he has been incredibly helpful in cleaning and making repairs around the house, the yard, and the garage.
We have enjoyed the World Beat festival, the Brewer's festival and took a tour of a lighthouse.


We had a fun evening with Craig when he was in town and are looking forward to more visitors next week and even next month for our anniversary.

Things at home and with the family are pretty good. Naturally with this many of us, there are always family financial matters to deal with, but those matters are not so heavy that they outweigh all the good. I am thankful that we have so many blessings in our lives.

So what brings me to my, at the moment, now, mood?

Work.

I could write a book on all the issues in, around, through, and out that make working at this Habitat affiliate a struggle. But I won't.

I just want to know:
How long should one person continue working at something that causes so much stress in their life?
When should a person decide they can no longer make a difference?
When is the sacrifice and affect on the family too much? I know Jeff has to be tired of my whining.
When is the money more important than the emotional well being?
How do I learn to just do what I can and let go of what I can't?

I am so glad I got to talk with a good friend this morning.
We hadn't connected in while and hearing her voice was comforting.
When we hung up she said, "Get back to work of saving the world."
I know she meant this in the best way.

But it got me to thinking....
Is that what I am trying to do?
Am I attempting to 'save the world'?
And is that keeping me from being a good mom?

Even though I have more thinking to do, writing helps me put things in perspective.
Because of my blog I am able to stop and reflect.
What rises to the surface of my memories are the joyful, happy, events and experiences, not the work struggles.
That is a Good thing!

Here's to more time to reflect and to write!

Crash

Have you ever had one of those days where your computer just didn't function properly?
A day when it was sluggish,
was filled with small glitches,
nothing seemed to load correctly,
and then it just seemed to crash and shut down?

Well today was one of those days for me.
Except it wasn't my mac and it wasn't my Dell either.

It was my mind that crashed.

I had one of those days where I just couldn't seem to function properly.
It started early this morning when I first got up and continued throughout the day steadily getting worse.

My mind was just sluggish and I couldn't focus on much of anything.

It glitched on me a number of times and I only noticed it when startled by a phone ringing or someone calling my name.
Nothing seemed to register or load properly and I limped through the day until finally finding my way home. I tried to reset things and make it to an evening meeting I was expected to attend, but restart wasn't working.

That is when I crashed. My mind went to black.

I slept for nearly an hour and a half only to wake up and find a setting sun in the west.

So here I am at the end of a long cumbersome day with some hope that things are up and running a little quicker, a little more smoothly, and this was just some sort of weird electrical interference that is now gone and that tomorrow will be a better day.

From Weekend to Work mode...

We seem to be packing more and more into our weekends as we settle deeper into our lives in this place we now call home.
It has been nearly 3 years since the kids and I made our way out to the west coast. Our first summer here was quiet, relaxing, perhaps even boring. There weren't friends to have over for dinner, there were no soccer games, no tennis matches, not even any end of the school year activities. The phone never rang and there was seldom an interruption.
But life is quite different now. And for the most part, I am thankful for that.

It's Sunday night and things are shifting gears. We've had a good weekend filled with armloads of activities. There are a number of activities left unfinished and some we never even started and will have to wait for another 6 or 7 days.
The family is now transitioning from the casual weekend mood towards the formal work/school week mode. The washer and dryer are in high demand evidenced by the line of laundry baskets awaiting the next open wash cycle.
The shower is busy with bodies in and bodies out. Half the family generally showers at night while the other half showers in the morning. This method seems to work well for our large family allowing for more hot water and more bathroom time at both ends of the day.

A large part of me looks back on the summer of 2006 and longs for the quite uninterrupted family time we had when we first moved here.
But I haven't entirely forgotten the boredom and loneliness that accompanied the quiet.

Regardless, I am at the end of a good weekend facing another work week and already looking ahead to next Saturday and more armloads of family activities.

Living in Between... OR ...Sunset from Above

There are times in our lives when we feel like we are living in between.
I took this photo on my iPhone as I flew out of Denver on my way home to Salem in early May.

I liked the view so much that I leaned over the woman in the window seat in a 'somewhat uncomfortable' way to capture this.

It was important to me to get the shot for a couple of reasons.
1. Because a good photographer always works to get the best shot.
and
2. Because it seems like the past three years have been spent living in between.

I have flown a lot in the past 3+ years in our transition to the Great Northwest and I have never seen a sunset between layers of clouds like this.
Generally once you are above the clouds you don't find a second layer above you.
This was unique to me.

It also represented the first time I had been back to Kansas in years. My trip to Kansas was followed by a trip to Nebraska. These trips are always filled with tremendous memories and joy. Yet this time I was truly ready to head 'home'. While I still don't consider myself 'from' Oregon. Oregon is now 'home'.

So much has happened in the past 3 years. On 05/17/2006 Jeff and I purchased our Oregon home. Yet, we still own our home in Kearney. Our three older kids and their families still live in Nebraska and Kansas.
For me, it makes the transition a little longer to adjust to.

But I am glad to have turned the corner and am able to think of Salem, OR as home.

In some ways I am still living in between the clouds.
As Higher Ground, Higher Ground II, and III take place this month and I hear from so many old friends it makes living between the clouds more obvious to me. And I miss old friendships.

But for the most part I feel as though I am transitioning. ... Finally!
I love living in the Pacific Northwest. Opportunities for outdoor sports abound!
We have the mountains or the coast within 60 - 75 minutes. And it is beautiful.

(But I miss my older kids.)
I suppose I will always in one form or another be living 'In Between'.

So I remain ever thankful to have a very patient & loving husband.

Simple pleasures and little smiles....

I really embraced my former work environment.
For many years my office was a safe haven,
it was my own place,
it was a small space that reflected me and my inner self.

My walls were filled with sayings, reflections, photos, and inspirations.
It was a place I went when I was seeking peace and quiet.
I could close my door, shutting out the noise and problems until I figured out which path to take.
It was my 'happy place'.

These days my work is more of a challenge for me.
It continually presents me with new opportunities for growth regardless of whether or not I am looking for new growth opportunities.

I now have to search a bit more for the kind of peace I used to simply stumble upon in the confines of my office space. I have to be alert and look for the simple pleasures that bring about happiness.

I am re-learning that the little things are what bring me comfort,
bring me peace and help me find happiness.

Some days it is getting myself fresh flowers for my desk.
Some times it is the music I listen to on my computer.
Often times I find peace or simple pleasures in the photos of family and friends, a can of cold Diet Coke, or something simple to laugh about. Or even a simple smile.



Just yesterday as I longed for one small thing to go well in my day, I yanked open my desk drawer in frustration to find some old familiar faces smiling at me. In my ill tempered drawer opening I must have loosened a photo stuck in the back of my desk drawer and right there staring back at me was Matt and Jim with their big cheesy grins and a huge 'thumbs up'.



It made me smile and even giggle a bit. It lighten my mood and eased my stress.

It was exactly what I needed to breathe a deep sigh of relief, let go of my ill temper, and smile.

I will continue to look for the little things that make me smile and hope that I will continue to recognize them when they come my way.

I am heading into a busy weekend filled with work, home, and many fun activities and I will be looking for the simple pleasures and a few more things to smile about.

Easter and Resurrection

It has been a good Easter this year.

After some trepidation, hesitation, and considerable discussion, we decided to attend the Easter Vigil last night at Queen of Peace.
Two years ago the Easter Vigil at St. Edwards lasted closer to 4 hours and left all of us a little gun shy when considering another Vigil here in this diocese.

But it was a very nice liturgy. Fr. Tim did a great job and it was only 2 hours and 20 minutes. It was also the first time I was able to participate and experience Mass in a way that allowed me to feel like this is becoming home.

There were enough familiar parts that felt comforting, yet it wasn't so different that I longed for the past and St. James.
It was a good blend of the past and the present giving me hope for the future and finding a place to fit into a faith community here in Salem.

On a more personal note...

I have a few resurrections of my own this year.
I have resurrected the job chart for the kids.
I am hoping this will enable me to resurrect some time for myself.
I have also resurrected the use of my treadmill.

I walked 3 miles this afternoon and it felt great.

I feel like I need to resurrect a healthier attitude and life for myself if I am to be the best mom I can be.

This past Lent has helped me to learn a lot about myself.
In giving up alcohol for 40 days (in which I was perhaps 50% successful) I realized that I was using alcohol as my only form of relaxation, unwinding, or forgetting the stresses in my life.

Since moving I have lost any healthy forms of mental recreation or physical recreation that I once had. Exercise, friends, craft projects, prayer, even my old job was in many ways an escape from kids and home.

I learned I was using a drink or two at night as my release after a stressful day at work or a stressful day at home.

And now that I know, I can do something about it.

I am going to work on making healthier choices for myself even if it means making time for myself and telling others no.

I need to do this.

So today I begin anew!

On Strike

I went on strike today.
At least I am on strike as much as a mom can go on strike.
I think most every wife/mom whether employed outside the home or not,
arrives at a point when they have to say enough is enough!
I quit!

I have arrived at this point a number of times throughout the past 28+ years of parenting and today I arrived at this old familiar place once again.

The 'last straw' this time was a simple straw.
I had to take the trash down the hill and to the curb in a dress.

Now that might seem like a small issue to anyone reading this, but today this small issue was the last issue I could deal with, at least deal with in silence.

So I made my voice heard via text message to those in the household who carry a cell phone... a cell phone that I Pay for I might add!

For well over 2 years our trash day has been Tuesday. Never the less, each and every Monday I ask, beg and plead for someone to take the trash down the steep hill to the curbside. On the occasion that I am out of town on a Monday, I call home and remind them to take the trash to the curb.
I find it absurd that no one else can or cares to make sure this simple task happens.

On the rare occasions that I didn't ask, beg, or plead enough, or I wasn't heard from long distances, the trash wasn't collected.

How no one else in the house can keep track of a weekly calendar enough to remember this will always puzzle me.

Heaven forbid I die before Jeff, I sure hope a loved one will assume the task of calling him on Mondays to have him ask, beg, or plead to have the kids take the trash to the curb for the Tuesday morning pick up.

But as I indicated before...
this was just a small issue.
The bigger issue preceding this.

I have already beleaguered the trash issue so I won't go into the details surrounding the bigger issue of cooking, cleaning, recycling, dishes, cell phones, car insurance, beer bottles, pop cans, new shoes, soccer practice, tennis practice, activities with friends, dirty laundry, menu complaints, junk mail, dog hair, dirty bathrooms, newspapers left for days on the front porch, clean laundry not put away or hung up, who lets the dog out, who lets the dog in, proper remote control handling and use, book bags, socks behind the furniture, camping gear, a garage that doubles as a storage unit and catch all, and general lack of listening and communication. And that was simply the past 48 hours.

So I am on Strike!
I have taken myself to dinner, enjoyed a beer (just one) and am now headed to my 97 or is it 98? school choir concert.

Woohoo!

So Even when I am on strike, I really can never be on strike.
I guess it just means I complain a lot, blog about it, and drink alone.

Is there anyone out there that can help?

I need a drinking partner!!!
:-)

Uncertainty, confusion, wonder...

I have been feeling strange lately.
I don't know why.
I don't know how to define this strange feeling.
I don't know what has brought this on or how to get out of this.

I just find myself in a 'mood', a 'funk'.
Its a feeling that sometimes hits me out of now where and leads me feeling pissy, irritable and crabby.

I guess I just feel uncertain as to what is going on inside me.
I feel confused as to how to get out of a bad mood when I don't understand why I feel upset to begin with. And I wonder what to do or when to start this uphill climb out of a dark place.

In trying to deal with this I have just withdrawn. I don't engage with others as much. I spend more time alone. In doing so, I think I have been able to hide my bad mood from the kids and most people at work.

I just want to hole up and avoid people, and to a certain extent I have done that.
With Jeff gone this week it has been easier to just sit in my room and not interact much with anyone. But tomorrow I am supposed to spend the afternoon and evening with my sister in Portland.
Normally I would be excited for the opportunity the spend time doing about anything with Chris.
But tonight I find myself wishing I had an excuse to not go.

However, I also know that when the reclusive behavior in me gets this strong, that is the time I need to be around others.

I am looking forward to the museum, the button emporium, and/or bowling, whatever we decide to do.

And maybe after that I will shed this 'funk' I am in.

Blog, Blog, Blog...

Blog, Blog, Blog...
This is the longest gap between my blogs in a long time.
Why can't I fit this into my life lately.
Blogging is therapeutic and I haven't had time for it.
I guess that means I haven't had time for me.

There is so much going on in my head, my heart, and my life.
I need time to write about it so that I can process it, but I haven't made the time for me.

But I promise myself I will this week.

Mad, Sad, Glad or Afraid

I learned a long time ago that there are more feelings than the four we think of most often; Mad, Sad, Glad or Afraid.
Yet I continue to seem to act out in one of those four basic feelings most of the time.

Last night at the end of a long day I went to bed mad.
I was visibly and verbally upset and I let everyone in the house know it.
I was so mad I didn't even say my usual night time prayers.
And to make it worse. I didn't care.
I just wanted to be mad for a while.
I think I must be the only one that ever does this.
Or at least it feels like it.
Jeff asked me in a very nice way, "Are you mad"? I paused, thought about it, and said, "no". I knew it wasn't anger I was feeling although that was my reaction.

I woke up sometime around 2:00am and the mad-ness, the anger, had dissipated.
By 6:00am I was awake enough to begin thinking about my behavior and trying to sort out my feelings.
I needed to get down to how I really felt to understand my own reaction.

What I have come to recognize is that jealousy is not a very pretty feeling.
It leads to strong emotions that can lead to bad behavior.
And I should have known better.
When you add fatigue, body aches, and feelings of being unappreciated to jealousy...
Well let's just say I causes me to over react.

I was jealous that Jeff and the kids had time to relax, have fun, and share boundless laughter while I was paying bills.
Yuck!

And when I had finished and the kids set off for bed, I was left to clean up from dinner, pick up dirty socks, jackets, book bags, and scattered dishes. Add to all that was one of my pet peeves... empty beer bottles and pop cans left on the counter a mere 2.5 steps away from the recycling bin....
Well let's just say I ended up yelling, a lot.

So later this evening when we all gather back at home I will apologize and then explain.
And I will try to simply ask for help.

Family life. It seems simple, but it isn't always easy.

New transition

Tomorrow marks a transition for me at work.
There are a number of things I struggle with in my work environment.
Most people know that I still miss my former career.
But I don't necessarily long to go back to youth ministy.
I am trying to make this new career path work for me.

Included with my effort to feel as though my place of employment is the best place for me to be, I am continually trying to improve upon the physical place I work as well. I am hoping if things are physically comfortable, then the emotional aspect will follow suit.

So only time will tell if I grow to be more comfortable in my work environment or not.

Regardless of whether or not I adjust and find my place in the work place, I know I am finding a home here in Oregon. I certainly enjoy the milder winters.
It isn't everywhere that you can walk the mall in January and find them selling flowers.

In fact many nurseries are advertising and selling plants for this time of year.
Primroses seem to be popular right now.

Of one thing I am certain. Back home they aren't doing planting of any sort.

Welcome to Oregon!