Faithfulness

Faith;
* confidence or trust in a person or thing,
* a belief that is not based on truth,
* a belief in a God or in the doctrines or teachings of a religion.

I have had a most faithful week by any and/or all definitions.
This faithfulness has not come easy at times, while in other moments it came most naturally and was quite comfortable.

Caring for my dad who has been battling a fever of unknown origin for 2 months now has me relying on faith in varied ways;
faith in the Doctor's and the decisions they are making,
faith in the staff who cares for him,
faith in myself as I support and give care,
and faith in a God who loves us and guides us through life here as we know it.

In my moments of strength I am more confident, faith filled, and trusting that answers are just around the corner.
In moments of strength it's easy to believe in the near future these health concerns will be a faint memory and soon my dad will be back to his usual ornery self.

In moments of weakness I am filled with uncertainty, I doubt and am filled with fear.
In moments of weakness I struggle to know what is right, if dad will be able to recover, but most of all I fear losing my dad.

Tonight it feels like he is slipping farther & farther away from this life as we know it.
I have worked to maintain a positive attitude and cheery tone in my voice, trying to hide my fears and my tears from dad.
And I have prayed,
A lot!

My faithfulness to this God I can't see is there,
I know it,
I feel it,
I need it.

I went to Mass right here in the St. Francis hospital chapel, a chapel I used to go to on occasion as a child and young adult.
As much as the hospital has grown and changed in the past 30 years, the chapel remains in the center of the now Via Christi Medical Center, nearly unchanged.




There is comfort in the familiar in times of doubt, uncertainty, and fear.
It is my faith I lean on that helps me stay strong.

Dad's last 2 days have not been good. He is so weak, his fever seldom subsides, and he is only somewhat aware of his surroundings.
Yet this evening when Fr. Jerome stopped by dad was his most alert, and was able to converse with Fr.

Fr. administered the Sacrament of Anointing of the Sick, gave dad a new rosary and prayer card. I hung them up where he would see them when he opened his eyes.
Then dad managed to eat his pie with vanilla ice cream of course!

I am blessed to be here with him at this time and share in this stage of my dad's life even as difficult as it has been.

I know God's Grace more intimately because of my week spent with my dad.
This time here in Wichita has been an awesome gift!
It will be very difficult to leave without some answers and some hope.
But I am trying to remain faithful and remember that scripture doesn't say,
'Be still and know WHY.
it says
Be still and know I am God

Tonight has been another difficult night for dad, which is why I am blogging at 3:40am.
He is restless after throwing up and I am fearful of him aspirating.

So it goes...


P.S.
It's now just after 5am.
I awoke from a 'bad' dream to find dad throwing up again. But I didn't even mind because real life was a much better scenario than the fears of my subconscious.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:St Francis N,Wichita,United States

Finding My Power

Today was my 3rd day and this is my 2nd overnighter caring for my dad.


I am in awe and admiration of my Mom and siblings who have been doing this for weeks now.

I am fatigued, frustrated, and finding myself lacking in the skills needed for this task.

Someone once told me they didn't think I was a very mothering/nursing type.
I will admit to being hurt by that observation at the time.
I am a bit older and a little wiser now and can admit that they were right.

Care giving is not my gift.
That is not to say that I don't feel blessed to be here with my dad.
I do!
I wouldn't be anywhere else right now.
However, I can recognize I am not the best at caring for the sick.

In the late night hours, by the light of my cell phone, I am trying to re-read parts of the book, The Art of Power.
This book helps ground me.
It reminds me to be faithful.
It brings me peace of mind.

One of my favorite quotes (perhaps I blogged about this in the past) is:

"To be beautiful means to be yourself.
You don't need to be accepted by others.
You need to accept yourself....
True happiness and true power lie in understanding yourself,
accepting yourself,
having confidence in yourself."



I needed to see this quote again.

I now understand and can readily admit that caregiver is not necessarily my forte.
And I'm okay saying that.

I guess that means I am moving towards self acceptance.

Now I just need to work on having confidence in myself.

But for now, I need to get my contacts out and try to rest while dad is semi-asleep.

Tomorrow I'll work on continued self acceptance and that elusive confidence.


And I hope to manage enough time for a nice hot shower!


The surgery for dad didn't happen today.
As he was on the surgical table awaiting the final phase of anesthesia, the surgeon was called out for another emergency.
Dad has been rescheduled for Monday. That means at least an additional week here in the hospital.

It takes a long time for one patient to become well known in a hospital.
Usually patients are referred to as 'the patient in room 7057' because they come and go so frequently.
But unfortunately not my dad.
He has been here so long everyone knows his name.
Dad has been here for a month plus more.
Even I have lost track of the time.
Sadly, I think this place is becoming his "Cheers."

I hope I can find my power and peace so I can share that with my dad and those who care for him.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

In Your Love, ...

I've had this song running through my thoughts the past couple of days.
I woke up to the lyrics ...
"In your love, my salvation lies" ...
playing in my head.

I needed to share it with you.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bgNDWKq0alE&feature=youtube_gdata_player


Title : Orange Sky
Artist : Alexi Murdoch
Well I had a dream
I stood beneath an orange sky
Yes I had a dream
I stood beneath an orange sky
With my brother standing by
With my brother standing by
I said brother, you know you know
It's a long road we've been walking on
Brother you know it is, you know it is
Such a long road we've been walking on

And I had a dream
I stood beneath an orange sky
With my sister standing by
With my sister standing by
I said sister, here is what I know now
Here is what I know now
Goes like this
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, in your love, in your love

But sister you know I'm so weary
And you know sister
My hearts been broken
Sometimes, sometimes
My mind is too strong to carry on
Too strong to carry on

When I am alone
When I've thrown off the weight of this crazy stone
When I've lost all care for the things I own
That's when I miss you, that's when I miss you, that's when I miss you
You who are my home
You who are my home
And here is what I know now
Here is what I know now
Goes like this
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, in your love, in your love

Well I had a dream
I stood beneath an orange sky
Yes I had a dream
I stood beneath an orange sky
With my brother and my sister standing by
With my brother and my sister standing by
With my brother and my sister standing by

Location:Wichita

Home Again

After 2 long travel days, I pulled up in front of my childhood home.

It was a long day beginning at the western border of Wyoming.
For the most part the weather was agreeable.



I am just not used to such strong winds blowing through wide open spaces.
It was mostly cloudy the better part of WY and we had off and on showers.
For the brief time we were in Colorado we could see rain in the distance,


but didn't have to worry about rain slick roads.
By the time we hit the Kansas border we had beautiful clear skies.



And we even got to watch another nearly full moon rising.

My son asked me if it felt "weird" coming back to KS and Wichita,



I said, "'no, it felt comfortable.
In many ways, this still feels like home.
It's my CHILDHOOD home.

Negotiating the highways, main thoroughfares, and small side streets... (Even in the dark of night...) Are still easy for me and it's been nearly 20 years since we moved away.

What is most difficult about coming home now isn't the familiarity or the UNfamiliarity of the streets, directions, getting around town, or how quickly old landmarks change.
What is most difficult about coming home now is knowing things have changed.

This trip home...
Well, ...
Simply ...
things are different.

What is weird is realizing I am much older.
I have children nearing the age I was when we moved away.
Usually when I come back home I feel young again.
Or at least younger!
But tonight is different.

When did my parents home begin smelling like my grandparents home?

It's not a 'bad' smell.
In fact, it's a 'homey' smell.

There was always something familiar and comfortable about the smell of my grandparents home on Dayton St.
It was there each time I visited from early childhood through my adult years.
It was more faint when I stepped into the house last June, but it was there even though grandma is now in a care center.

I smelled that same familiar, comfortable smell tonight when I walked in the door here on Coolidge.
But this is my parents home,
My childhood home,
Not my grandparents home!

I recognized tonight that time is passing, ...and too quickly!

For pete's sake, I am sleeping in my dad's bed because he is still in the hospital!

As Ben would say,
'Time is turning my tomorrows into yesterdays.'

Each Day I will continue to try....
To Learn
To Laugh
To Grow
To Live
And most of all
To Love


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

855 miles & 3 states down

Yesterday's journey to Wichita went well.
We put 855 miles and 3 states behind us.
We were blessed with
decent traffic (once we got through Portland),


A double rainbow in Baker City,
And a gorgeous full moon somewhere in Idaho.


Alex is a great traveling companion and the audio books help keep me alert.
Perhaps I could have pushed on further last night, but the rain and thick fog compromised my visibility and I promised numerous family members I would "be careful".


Thankfully Motel 6 left the light on for us in Evanston, WY.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Wichita Bound

This morning I hit the road once again!
I need to get to my hometown to help with my folks.

I just got home from Orlando and spent yesterday scrambling to tie up loose ends before leaving again.

I enjoyed all the colors of autumn around the city as I ran errands and didn't even mind getting stuck in traffic. This tree outside the HoJo was several different shades (although I'm not sure the lighting on my camera phone did it justice.)

I'll be missing the girls first choir concerts of the year, the Trail Blazers season opener, and some volunteer opportunities with youth and at Habitat.
I'll miss tending to my roses as the last buds open up, and my crazy Christmas cactus in it's full bloom


I'll also miss taking Laura to school each morning at 6:50. That is always a chance for me to hear more about her life. I'll miss being there when Jacquie and Caroline hit the house and share about the goings on at high school.
And I'll miss sitting on the porch on a fall evening waiting for Jeff.


But I need to go!
Family comes first.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Blah & Boo Hoo

Yesterday on my flight home from Orlando I had lots of time for blogging, but somewhere over the skies of Oregon it was all lost.

The memories are still there, but they never made it to the internet.

Today I am feeling quite blah.
And I have been boohooing with some good reason, but it's time to get to work.

A couple of bright spot are coming home to a fairly clean house. The kids did a great job!

And i arrived home to find my Christmas Cactus has bloomed for the 3rd time this year...


And it's not even Christmas yet!

Prayers for my dad as the doctors continue to search for an answer to his illness.
And prayers for my daughter who has unexplained severe eye pain and is on pain killers and steroids.

Maybe later I can blog and recapture my lost memories.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Morning Prayer

It's been nearly 24 hours since I left Salem and began the journey to Orlando.
There is a story there in and of itself but that's not what this blog is about.

This morning I am thinking about prayer.
In particular, the odd, unique and wonderful ways and places that people incorporate prayer into conversations and daily life.




I have my own unique method and reminder to pray more often. This has been brought on mostly due to my dad's health.

There was a young man driving the courtesy shuttle that offered prayers for a successful journey.
A gentleman next to us on a flight shared the loss of his mother. Condolences were offered and I thought about offering prayers as well but something made me chicken out.

Most of the time my faith is mine alone. It's something I do by myself. Outside of the times I've shared my faith while ministering to youth, my faith is private.

I know that sometimes we need to pray with others and allow others to pray for us. Its what unites us.

While sitting in the Atlanta airport I was fortunate enough to steal a glimpse of a Rabbi preparing for his morning prayer.


Obviously he is a busy traveler like so many of us at 6:30am eastern time.
Yet he finds a quiet corner,
dons the appropriate garments, and makes time for prayer.



I admire his commitment and love for his God.
And I will think of this often in the coming days as I continue to grow my own faith, and commitment to daily prayer.

-- Post From DWNTWN's iPhone

The Busyness of Life ... CONTINUED.

Well, I made it through the weekend and enjoyed helping #7 and the family celebrate a 15th birthday. Who knew so much preparation and food would have been needed?!?

Since last Thursday I have:
Driven a portion of the Oregon Coast,
Shopped the outlet store with 2 teens,
Camped in a Yurt at Beverly Beach,
Taken over 100 awesome mushroom photos,
Made homemade pizza for 10,
Decorated for a 15 year old party,
Hosted more 15 year olds for #7,
Built 2 walls for a 4 bedroom home,
Raised 1 of the 2 Walls built,
Made homemade Chicken & Noodles,
Learned how to merge iPhoto Libraries,
Merged over 8000 of my photos from the past 18-20 months,
Made bierocks for a small army,
Made a new to do list for the next 2 days,
And am now preparing for a trip to Florida on Wednesday.

Maybe tomorrow (when I have access to photos) I will add the visual components to my writing.
Until then, good night!

The Busyness of Life

Life has been keeping me exceptionally busy lately.

When I left my job at Habitat for Humanity I didn't know what I would do with my self or my time.

All I knew was that I needed to focus on things at home more.


A friend told me, "You will be surprised how busy you will be."

I didn't believe him.  Busy?
Busy with what?
Give me a couple weeks to get caught up on the cleaning, dusting, and laundry,  maybe another week to clean out the garage, and get the yard in shape, but then what.

10 months later I know he was right.
I am surprised!
And I am more busy than when I worked outside the home.
Or at least it feels like it.

I look back at my blog and realize that 2 weeks have passed since I have made time to write.
That means I haven't made time for me.

There was the one afternoon that I took the computer to the coast and worked.  It was a gorgeous day and I liked being outside, but the computer work I was doing was not fun, nor was it time for me.

I have been so busy that I painted one fingernail red so I would remember to pray more often.
My dad is still in the hospital and since I can't be there with him, or be there to help mom, all I can do is pray.
Most days I get caught up with busy work.
It isn't until I lay my head down at night that I think to call mom or dad.
It isn't until I lay down at night that I think to pray,
or simply take time to think.

One red fingernail catches my eye, makes me pause, and helps me to think of and pray for others.

Part of what is keeping me busy is having a senior this year.
Lots of activities and additional tasks surround a student's senior year.

The Senior Picture ritual has started for #6.
I was honored that she asked me to take them for her.
And it is fun.

 I let her decide what to wear,
when she wants to go,
and where she wants them taken.

Our first outing provided 60+ photos.

And she has more outings planned.

But I don't mind.

 Its time I get to spend with my daughter.
I look forward to the next outing.

Here is a link if you want to see more.

http://gallery.me.com/jbrownflash#100370
 #7 went along with us for moral support and for fun!  She was quit proud of being able to 'photo bomb' a couple of the shots!

All in all a busy couple of weeks.

But in looking back I mostly feel blessed!

Life could have been very different had #5 child been hurt when he was hit by a car 14 days ago.

Life could have ended for him.
Life as I know it could have ended.

But by the Grace of God we are simply dealing with the process of Citations, Accident Reports, and Court dates.

I would like to know why and how a young person who falls off a skateboard and gets hit by a car can be given a citation stating "Driver failed to yield the right of way". He clearly was not driving, and he is listed as a pedestrian on the police report.
But when a young person is hit by a car driven by an off duty police officer with friends on the police force... evidently Citations get written inaccurately.
It will be interesting to learn how the judge rules.

Whatever the outcome might be,
I am confident the learning opportunities ahead for my son will be many.
And I am humbly grateful and blessed to have him healthy and fit enough to continue learning, living and loving life!

I have taken enough time for writing, for me.
I have errands to run, a car to pack, and a party to plan for a soon to be 15 year old!

An overnighter at the beach in a YURT is a great way to start a birthday celebration, don't you think?
And I think it is the BEST way to be BUSY!