Early morning feedings

It has been a lot of years since I had to get up in the middle of the night for a 'feeding'.
I enjoyed my early mornings with Cale, my grandson. He always seemed so alert for 3:00 am.


Being an infant, Cale has no regard for time of day. If he is awake feeling rested and alert, then that is exactly how he is, rested and alert. In just a few short days, 3:00 am became 'my time' with him.
There were no distractions, no chores to be done, no television or radio, no other grandmas, aunts, uncles, or vistors to share the time with. Simply time together feeding each other. Me feeding Cale a bottle and Cale feeding my need to get to know my grandson.

It was a time I will treasure deep in my heart.

Oh Christmas Tree

Growing up I have vague memories of having a 'real' Christmas tree. Most of my life, from 4th grade and every year since, I have always had a 'fake' Christmas tree.
I am not sure why my parents decided to change from 'real' to 'fake' but as kids we didn't care.
A 'fake' tree meant we could put the tree up earlier in Advent and leave the lights on longer without worry or concern for the tree drying out and catching fire. As a child my main worry was if the tree caught fire then so would the presents underneath.

In my mind 'fake' was just fine.

When I got married and our family began our own traditions we went with the 'fake' tree as well because of allergic concerns for my husband.

So for the past 36 or so years it has been 'fake' all the way.

Until this year!

For the first time in our family tradition and my first time in nearly 4 decades we have a REAL Christmas tree in the house.

Since we have moved to Oregon, the Chritmas tree capital of the world (or at least it seems to be), it would be a shame to not get a 'real' tree this year. We talked about going out and cutting down our own tree. We learned all the important details such as, the appropriate tools to take to the Christmas tree farm, how to 'carry' your tree out of the field and not 'drag' it out so it doesn't get muddy, and even how to shake your tree out to free it from critters such as spiders, bugs and even bats.

Learning all this didn't scare me off from cutting my own tree, but I was happy to learn that my husband was content to purchase a tree from the young family down at the corner lot.

It isn't that I wasn't in the Christmas spirit. Nor was it that I didn't want to create great new family memories. It is just that I know my family.

I think cutting down our own tree appealed to my husband because it had a wonderful Norman Rockwell feel to it. This Rockwell vision of acquiring a Christmas tree was the experience my husband was hoping we could have as a family. I envisioned more of a Griswalds Christmas experience.

If you haven't seen Chevy Chase and the Griswald family then you won't understand. But if you know my husband and kids you are most likely laughing already.

Perhaps next year we will be up to the challenge of cutting our own tree and hauling it home, but for this year we are all very happy to have our first ever 'real' live tree!

Five days and a wake up

I am counting down the days.
It is five days and a wake up until I get to hold my grandson for the first time.
I have seen him on the iSight, and while this helps, it isn't the same. I can't smell the new baby smell or feel the soft new skin, or feel him snuggle up against my neck.
I need to be there in the flesh to experience the full wonder and joy of new life.

I found out I was a grandma while in Las Vegas. I left in the middle of a conference session to take the call.
I sat alone in hallway with tears of joy, excitement, and relief falling down my cheek. It was such a relief to hear my daughter had come through the C-section just fine and my new grandson was healthy.

I was longing to share the news with someone, but not just anyone.
I needed to share this kind of news with someone who would understand,
someone who knew me and my feelings of becoming a grandparent.
And at just that moment a dear friend found me. It could not have been better timing.

I don't believe it was a coincidence. It was meant to happen this way.

All this took place eight days ago. It feels as though more time has passed than eight days, but the calendar doesn't lie.
So looking ahead I have just five days and a wake up until I can travel back home to see, and touch, and smell all the joy surrounding the new life in our family.

Where did my life go?

Have you ever been in a place where nothing was familiar?
Have you ever found yourself questioning most everything around you?
Have you ever asked yourself Where in the hell did my life go?

A few times over my lifetime I have had days like this.
Yesterday was one of those days.

Thank God these kind of days don't come often, but when they do I feel confused, disoriented, frazzled and uncertain.
The kind of uncertain that makes me question, makes me wonder. And even leaves me wandering around as if in a fog and I can't find my way.

It is the kind of feeling that makes me want to go back to what is familiar, to what I know, to a place of confidence instead of confusion. To a place of familiarity instead of disorientation. To a place of determination instead of uncertainty. But I can't leave. This is where I am supposed to be now. This is my life and I have to learn to negotiate my way through it.

The last time I remember having a day like this was many years ago. Probably 14 years or so. And I negotiated my way through, learned much, and found myself in a great place.

So I can only proceed with the same assumption. I will negotiate my way through this. I will learn much. And I will find myself in a great place.

I just wish I knew how long it is going to take to get there.