May Day ... another year later

All day long I have been meaning to stop and buy myself some flowers in honor of the first day of May.
I went to the store, but didn't get any flowers.
I wanted to blog about May Day and now it is late and I am tired.

I read my blog from last May (2007) and found all the same thoughts were still rolling around in my head except for the last part, "Maybe next year I will have flowers I can cut and share with my neighbors."

Well I am sad to say I don't.

This past month has brought about some unexpected appointments and medical issues I didn't anticipate having to handle which has prevented me from having the time or energy to garden.

So once again in 2008 I have to say, "Maybe next year I will have flowers I can cut and share with my neighbors."

Smuggling God

I found a prayer a number of years ago while working in youth ministry that seemed to capture my heart and echo how I viewed my life and my work.
I kept this prayer written on a scrap of paper that I taped near my computer where I could read it each day.

Later I was looking for a closing prayer for a senior retreat and decided to us it. Not long after that I used this same prayer on a large bulletin board as graduation approached.
It seems I wasn't the only one who's heart was captured by this prayer. Lots of people commented on it.

When it was time to take the bulletin board down, I just couldn't seem to throw it out. My good friend Lisa helped me cover it with clear contact paper. The oversized prayer then traveled with me to Higher Ground and I shared it with even more youth. When fall came the prayer was rolled up and sat collecting dust in the corner of my office. When the time came for me to leave my job at St. James, I decided to take it home instead of sending it to the trash.

As the movers came to pack up our possessions, the prayer came with us.

While unpacking in Salem, I was once again faced with the decision to pitch or to keep.
I thought about its size, wondered where I might ever need to use this again, knew I could just as easily right this prayer on a small piece of paper and hang it near my computer at home.
I also had to admit to myself that I most likely would not be using this at a retreat, a graduation, or on a bulletin board any time soon, and most likely not ever.

But I couldn't toss it out.

(I don't think of myself as that big of a 'packrat'. However I do get attached to odd items. Most of the time they are small items like a bowl full of rocks.)

Just before I found the poster, I had opened the box containing our staple gun.
So naturally, I hung the oversized, poorly laminated, wrinkled prayer up on the wall in the garage.
For 21 months now, every time I drive in and out of our garage, I can't help but see this prayer.


Go now to smuggle God into your world
Holding tight the hands of those with whom you share the way.
Peers, parents, friends, colleagues, Christ.
May your life show forth God at every turn.
May your heart and your road be
ablaze with holy fire!
Amen

I wish I could tell you that I pray this prayer and more importantly that I am living this prayer well in my everyday life. But I am not.


I used to feel as though I was smuggling God into my world.
I had a stronger sense that my life was showing forth God.
Being ablaze was exhilarating
I miss that.
I miss the holy fire in my heart.
I miss smuggling God.
I need to find a way to get that back into my life, my heart, my world.
Then maybe I can share it with peers, parents, friends, colleagues, Christ.

That last paragraph sounds desperate, as if I am in a bad way.
I don't feel as desperate as that sounds.
I guess what I am trying to convey is that
I am missing something in my spiritual life,
my faith, and especially my religion.

Sometimes I can still feel warm embers glowing.
Leading the Senior retreat for Regis High School on Tuesday helped.
But I have experienced the feeling of walking on a road ablaze with holy fire,
and now only embers just don't seem to be enough for me.

I am trying to find out if I am on the right road.
And if I am, then how do I fan the flames and grow the embers into a fire?
If I am not on the right road, how do I know and
more importantly, how do I get back on track?

I don't have answers.
So I continue to pray,
to seek,
to travel this road and look for guidance.

Snow in April...Again?

Just 3 short days ago we thought spring was here.
In talking to those lifetime Oregonians there was no reason to not think so.
At work we have been scheduling landscaping work groups, painting crews and volunteers to finish up the work that waits for spring.
But I guess spring will have to wait at least another week or two.

We had more snow this morning.
This might be the largest amount of snow we've had all winter.
Now I know those of you back in Nebraska (especially Matt) are laughing at me right now and I don't disagree that this is mild in comparison. But it is quite rare for Salem to get snow at all. And the news reports say that one has to go back to the 1950's to find this kind of cold snap with snow in April.
So there you have it....
My second spring in Oregon and it is acting 'similar to' spring in Nebraska.

April Snow?

This morning I woke up to snow falling. There was just a bit of snow that accumulated on the grass and the rooftops. I don't know much, but I do know I liked the weather last Saturday better than the weather this Saturday. I am curious what next week will bring.

Spring flowers

It is mid April already!
Where does the time go?

Weekends

Weekends should only be used for 3 things:
Recreation,
Recreating,
and
Re-creating.

This weekend wasn't entirely about those three things but it was the closest I have been since Thanksgiving weekend last November.

Recreation:
The weather was beautiful and we were able to spend much of Saturday at the coast.
I love walking the beach regardless of the weather, but this Saturday the sun was warm and the breeze was perfect.
It was just the right amount of cool on my skin to keep me from getting too warm on my walk.
The ocean water that pooled in the deeper places in the sand was warmed by the sun making walking through them quite a treat for my feet. I didn't find very many rocks or shells to collect since the beach was more crowded than usual.
However, floating in a small pool of salt water was this green shamrock.

It was so bright against the sand and was so out of place. I can't imagine where it came from or how it got there. It kind of reminded me of myself as I reflected on the past 22 months.
I still pause fairly often and think about the fact that I live in Oregon now.
I still feel out of place at times.
I still think about where I came from and wonder how I got here.
But on a Saturday like this one, I am very glad to be in Oregon.

Recreating:
We were joined by our good friends for some much needed catching up. We shared stories of our lives, our jobs, our children and grandchildren. Friends are such blessings especially the ones that have journeyed with us for over 15 years of marriage, parenting, and life changes.





Re-Create:
Everyone needs personal time; time to pause, time to reflect, time to re-create their mind.
I seem to need more time to re-create than most people, and seldom get it.
But this weekend even afforded me time for myself.
It was good.

Family Events

In the Brown house sports are a family event. Tonight it is basketball, soon it will be baseball. And so it goes...

Congratulations to the Kansas Jayhawks on their win over Memphis for the National Championship!

Gifts: Big and Small

Life is filled with gifts.
Sometimes the gifts come in big packages and sometimes small.
Sometimes they are expected gifts, but more often I think gifts come as a surprise.

Today was one of those special days when I experienced gifts both big and small, expected and unexpected, given and received.

I was asked to MC the dedication of the Griffin home in Independence Oregon.
It was my pleasure and a wonderful gift to be able to facilitate this event and witness firsthand the joy the Griffin family is experiencing at becoming homeowners for the first time. Jim and Frances and their 6 children are so excited and anxious to move in to their own home. It is a thrill to be able to be a part of this.




On a less important level (but exciting none-the-less) was the Kansas Basketball win over North Carolina in the semi-finals of the NCAA Tourney. Monday they will play Memphis for the Championship.

And perhaps the smallest gift I received today was finding my Christmas cactus on the window sill in full bloom.
Most of the time I forget I have plants. Occasionally I remember to water them. And once in a while I find I am gifted with beautiful blossoms.

Simple Pleasures

Simple Pleasure this week:

4 Top Down days in a row.
Reflecting on George Tiffany.
Re-connecting with an old friend.
Meeting new people.
Getting to know 'family' stories.
Dinner and drinks at Boons.
Time with those I love.
Conversations with my adult kids.
Junior high choir concerts.
Getting out from behind my desk on a sunny day.
Heavy lifting and hard work.
Adding rocks to my collection of memories.
A long hot bath.

Weekend at the Beach

I have been lucky enough to go to the beach twice in the last couple of weeks. First with Aimee and now with my sister.

Yesterday was a good day for beach combing and this morning would be too except that there is frost on the sand I am liking the warm of my hotel room and the view from the window. I was asked the question by a fellow beach comber yesterday, "what are you looking for?" I said, "I look for odd rocks or shells that don't make any sense as to why I like them. They just catch my eye, remind me of something, or someone."

The fellow beach comber replied he was looking for agates. I didn't even know what an agate was or what one looked like until yesterday. Evidently lots of people look for them, polish them up and then display them proudly.

My rocks don't get that kind of special treatment. Sometimes they don't make it out of my pocket until the next time I go to the beach. My favorites make it to a bowl by my bathtub, or the bowl in my room, or on my desk at work.
Sometimes I give them to others who then wonder why I am giving them dirty rocks and old smelly sea shells. But what can I say? I am weird that way.

The ocean is beautiful. I truly enjoy living in a place where frequent trips to the beach are possible.





And I enjoy living close to my sister and having the opportunity for 'girl trips', and for the opportunities to see great concerts together (like Bruce Springsteen and Los Lonely Boys). But mostly I enjoy being with my sister again.

Kansas

On a recent visit to Kansas I couldn't help but take notice of the unique manhole cover. I suppose my need to photograph and catalog this was partly due to my training as a photographer, but more likely due to my love of being a Kansan, transplanted or not.

Grandma and me!

I have missed blogging.
When I blog I take time to reflect.
When I reflect I take time for myself.
I haven't had time lately for blogging, reflecting or myself.

But I am tired of trying to squeeze 'time' into my schedule.
So tonight, I have decided to steal these 10 minutes to share a joy in my life.

On my recent trip to Kansas I made time to see my grandma.
Zelma Ranney is 94 years young.
There are many stories I would love to tell about grandma, but these stories will have to wait.
For now I just want to share a photo and let you know that she is hoping to get out of the care facility and to get back home soon. She recently broke her 'good' shoulder and they won't let her go home until she can walk with a cane.


She would tell you she can get along just fine with her walker and doesn't know why she has to walk with a cane.
In her next breath she proclaimed to everyone in ear shot, "you know, they can't keep me here!"

My prayer is she will be well enough to go home next week.

Grandma... I love you!

Caroline Jo

Fifteen years ago tonight I gave birth to our sixth child.
I don't remember much about the weather.
Perhaps Jeff does. He can usually remember whether it was cold or not, whether it was snowy, icy, or a nice night.

What I recall about February 28, 1993 was this was my second trip to the hospital in 8 days. I was praying the hospital didn't send me home again without a baby. She was due on the 17th of February and didn't come until the 28th.

Caroline was the last of our children to be born in Kansas. We moved to Nebraska when she was only 9 months old.
And now we live in Oregon. I wonder sometimes when people ask her where she is from how does she respond. Does she tell people she is from Kansas, Nebraska or Oregon?

We've only lived here 20 months, but I think she has adjusted much better than I imagined.

As Caroline, Jacquie and I drove around town shopping from mall to mall, I listened as Caroline shared how she was glad we moved. Jacquie isn't quite there yet, but it was fun to listen in as they conversed about what they liked, what they didn't like about the places they have lived. They discussed what they missed, and what they were glad to have left behind. Mostly they agreed they just missed family and maybe a couple of friends.
But what meant the most to me was listening as these two sisters shared and deepen their bond with one another.
It was just a short 6 months ago these two seemed worlds apart and had little in common. They were easily annoyed by one another and bickered and fought most of the time. Now they are shopping together, talking about cute clothes, new hairstyles, pretty colors of make up, and yes... even boys.

I am so glad to have had some time this afternoon with the girls even if it was spent shopping.

When did my 'little' girls get to be so big?
What happened to the past 15 years.
Where is the baby I buckled securely into the car seat before leaving Kansas and venturing to a new state?
Time goes by so fast even when you are paying attention.

Now I just need to let go of referring to them as the 'little' girls.

Happy Birthday Caroline!

Nebraska Memories

Family/Friends

I am so grateful for family and good friends that listen to me, laugh with me, and even are willing to cry with me.
But mostly I am grateful for those who gently guide me back to where I know I need to be.

MelBTorpDr.McKAimsMattS2the0CrashJamesSharpieScottMysisJBJacky

Sisters....

For weeks now this blog has been rolling around in my head and in my heart.
I have had trouble starting it because I didn't exactly know how to begin.
But since I can't get this out of my head and heart and onto paper (or cyberspace) I have been stuck in all my other writings.
So I begin not knowing exactly where this is going or where it will end up. All I know is I need to write and I need to write about my sister.

I grew up in a fairly large family. I was number 2 of 7, four girls and three boys, and I was only 16 months younger than my older sister Christy.
For the majority of my 18 years in my parent's home, I shared a room with my sister.
We slept together, played together, cooked and cleaned together, and ate together.
We fought with each other, learned from each other and matured with each other.
My sister and I were the quintessential kids who grew up together in the 60's and 70's.
I would tell you, if asked, that I had a great childhood. Looking back it is mostly good memories that rise to the surface. I have to dive down deep to retrieve bad memories and I choose not to dive.

As I recall ---- Chris and I were opposites;
She was pretty, I was not,
She was smart, I had to study a lot!
She was athletic, I was a clutz.
She was brave, I just wasn't.

Christy did everything before I did, she did everything first.
She was the first wear make-up,
shave her legs,
to drive a car,
to have a boyfriend,
and the first to get grounded.

Christy was a pioneer, a risk-taker,
and the leader of all of us who were younger than her in our family.

I was very content living in her shadow.
She took me places that I would have never gone on my own.
I watched her and learned from her.
She made life interesting for me and I found comfort in exploring the world in her shadow.
We were very different in appearance and in personality.
Most people would not have picked us out of a crowd as sisters,
but sisters we were, through and through.

But after 18 years things changed.
The catalyst----
Well I have my ideas, but that is a different blog altogether.

After 18 years I became the first, the oldest, if you will.
Not by choice mind you, but by circumstance.

I was the first to greatly disappoint my parents,
the first to get married,
the first to have children,
the first to skip out on family events.

Over the next 10-20 years my sister and I grew apart. We had husbands, children, new careers, and we had separate lives.
We stayed in touch as family members do, but we were both different and this created distance. And in some ways the distance and the difference was okay, accepted as normal, just part of our lives. But low and behold here we are nearly 20 years later, reunited.

We don't live together, but we do sleep in the same hotel room when we have time for sister 'getaways'. We play together, travel together, cook and clean together. We also reminisce together and celebrate together.

I find it interesting and a blessing that I can be with my sister and be the person I am today without reverting back to my childhood persona.
I am more self-assured, more confident, more intelligent than I felt as a teenager growing up in my older sister's shadow. And she still accepts me!

I haven't always felt accepted by others and knowing I am accepted by my sister is a treasure.

Now that we live a short 57 miles apart we are enjoying this rediscovery of sisterhood and even a bit of sibling rivalry!
At 47 years of age I can even laugh when my sister calls me a 'bitch'.
Being a sister is fun again!

Chris, I love you!

Waiting....

I'm waiting.
Waiting in a doctor's office waiting room.
I've never been very good about waiting.
It is especially difficult to wait when the whole purpose of the waiting room is to do nothin g but wait.
If I were in charge I wouldn't call it the waiting room. It just sets those of us up that hate waiting for a disappointing time.
I would call it the magazine room or the reading room.
Maybe the napping room or the tranquility room.
there is always the option of the fish aquarium room or if you want to be literal...
the sit by some stranger and hope you don't catch what they have room.

It doesn't matter what they call this room. I still have to wait.

Oh they called our name! Now we get to wait in the exam room.

Why do they have to call it the exam room?

Never mind...

Spirals...

I am just struggling right now.

I have a tendency to spiral down in my mood at times and today is one of those days.

I have felt it building the last few days and today it has hit me hard.

Over the years I have gotten better at recognizing this in my self and coping with it better, but I can't seem to prevent it.

I am just feeling incredibly down, sad, alone.

I am guessing it is brought on by the kids leaving, the constant pressure of fixing things here at work, the messy house I have waiting for me to get time to clean it, and no time to recover.

When I get this way my desire to run is strong. In years past, I had no place to go, except perhaps to the grocery store. But here in Oregon there are some great places to run to. Today the temptation to run to the coast or run to the mountains is strong.

It is hard not to leave my desk, get in my car, and run away even if only for an afternoon. When I talk about running away of course I don't mean it literally. I suppose what I am really talking about is I need an escape. I want to escape all of this, even escape myself and this dreary mood I find myself in.

But the responsible side of me is just as strong as my desire to run and I know I will stay until the work is done.
Well,
I will at least promise to be back at my desk after lunch.

I'm not sure when I will get time for the work at home.

Gifts

Gifts,
They come in all shapes, sizes, forms, and all manners of presentation.
I received many gifts through the holidays; clothes, a coat, scarf, books, future spa day, handmade crafts from my kids, and my most recent gift, an orchid.

The orchid was a gift from Samantha Dupuy. Sam is an exchange student from France studying architecture at UNL. She bravely came to Salem to spend her break with our crazy family. And she has survived.

Well, actually, she has more than just survived.
She has fit in quite well. We have enjoyed getting to know Sam, we have enjoyed her accent, and the way she plays board games with us even though she doesn't know all the words. She is a very good cook and we have enjoyed the french foods she has introduced to us.

Our family is a little bit bigger this year as we now include Sam as one of us.
I don't know if she will ever make it back to Salem, but our lives have been gifted by her presence and she will always be a part of us.

21 days...

It has been a great 21 days.

21 days of spending time with my adult children.
Some of this time was in Nebraska and much of it was spent here in Salem.
But regardless of where, it has been memorable.

It sometimes is difficult to go back and recall all the conversations, the laughter, the memories I thought I would always remember. Yet some things I can recall like a snapshot in my mind.

The holiday break this year is coming to a close as Aimee and Mike leave on Wednesday and Brad and Samantha leave on Thursday. We have had trips to Portland, the coast, Multnomah Falls, Silver Falls and a multitude of trips to the grocery store!

With a house filled with hungry kids on break we make trips to the store every day and sometimes multiple trips. But it is all worth it to have eight kids back in the house even if they aren't the same eight I started with. Sometimes we numbered 10 kids and on a number of occasions there were 15 of us for meals.

I have for the most part embraced the chaos. Only a couple of late nights did I have minor 'melt-downs'where I longed for a few minutes of peace and quiet, and found myself hiding in my room until someone sought me out to make dinner, watch another movie, or join in on the board game.

I have enjoyed family time with our kids and their friends as well as with my sister and her family.

At the end of this week I imagine I will be torn between missing the extra company and embracing the quiet routine of only four kids.

Quiet routine of only four kids....

Who am I kidding? There will still be chaos, just a different level of chaos!