Uncertainty, confusion, wonder...

I have been feeling strange lately.
I don't know why.
I don't know how to define this strange feeling.
I don't know what has brought this on or how to get out of this.

I just find myself in a 'mood', a 'funk'.
Its a feeling that sometimes hits me out of now where and leads me feeling pissy, irritable and crabby.

I guess I just feel uncertain as to what is going on inside me.
I feel confused as to how to get out of a bad mood when I don't understand why I feel upset to begin with. And I wonder what to do or when to start this uphill climb out of a dark place.

In trying to deal with this I have just withdrawn. I don't engage with others as much. I spend more time alone. In doing so, I think I have been able to hide my bad mood from the kids and most people at work.

I just want to hole up and avoid people, and to a certain extent I have done that.
With Jeff gone this week it has been easier to just sit in my room and not interact much with anyone. But tomorrow I am supposed to spend the afternoon and evening with my sister in Portland.
Normally I would be excited for the opportunity the spend time doing about anything with Chris.
But tonight I find myself wishing I had an excuse to not go.

However, I also know that when the reclusive behavior in me gets this strong, that is the time I need to be around others.

I am looking forward to the museum, the button emporium, and/or bowling, whatever we decide to do.

And maybe after that I will shed this 'funk' I am in.

Blog, Blog, Blog...

Blog, Blog, Blog...
This is the longest gap between my blogs in a long time.
Why can't I fit this into my life lately.
Blogging is therapeutic and I haven't had time for it.
I guess that means I haven't had time for me.

There is so much going on in my head, my heart, and my life.
I need time to write about it so that I can process it, but I haven't made the time for me.

But I promise myself I will this week.

Mad, Sad, Glad or Afraid

I learned a long time ago that there are more feelings than the four we think of most often; Mad, Sad, Glad or Afraid.
Yet I continue to seem to act out in one of those four basic feelings most of the time.

Last night at the end of a long day I went to bed mad.
I was visibly and verbally upset and I let everyone in the house know it.
I was so mad I didn't even say my usual night time prayers.
And to make it worse. I didn't care.
I just wanted to be mad for a while.
I think I must be the only one that ever does this.
Or at least it feels like it.
Jeff asked me in a very nice way, "Are you mad"? I paused, thought about it, and said, "no". I knew it wasn't anger I was feeling although that was my reaction.

I woke up sometime around 2:00am and the mad-ness, the anger, had dissipated.
By 6:00am I was awake enough to begin thinking about my behavior and trying to sort out my feelings.
I needed to get down to how I really felt to understand my own reaction.

What I have come to recognize is that jealousy is not a very pretty feeling.
It leads to strong emotions that can lead to bad behavior.
And I should have known better.
When you add fatigue, body aches, and feelings of being unappreciated to jealousy...
Well let's just say I causes me to over react.

I was jealous that Jeff and the kids had time to relax, have fun, and share boundless laughter while I was paying bills.
Yuck!

And when I had finished and the kids set off for bed, I was left to clean up from dinner, pick up dirty socks, jackets, book bags, and scattered dishes. Add to all that was one of my pet peeves... empty beer bottles and pop cans left on the counter a mere 2.5 steps away from the recycling bin....
Well let's just say I ended up yelling, a lot.

So later this evening when we all gather back at home I will apologize and then explain.
And I will try to simply ask for help.

Family life. It seems simple, but it isn't always easy.

New transition

Tomorrow marks a transition for me at work.
There are a number of things I struggle with in my work environment.
Most people know that I still miss my former career.
But I don't necessarily long to go back to youth ministy.
I am trying to make this new career path work for me.

Included with my effort to feel as though my place of employment is the best place for me to be, I am continually trying to improve upon the physical place I work as well. I am hoping if things are physically comfortable, then the emotional aspect will follow suit.

So only time will tell if I grow to be more comfortable in my work environment or not.

Regardless of whether or not I adjust and find my place in the work place, I know I am finding a home here in Oregon. I certainly enjoy the milder winters.
It isn't everywhere that you can walk the mall in January and find them selling flowers.

In fact many nurseries are advertising and selling plants for this time of year.
Primroses seem to be popular right now.

Of one thing I am certain. Back home they aren't doing planting of any sort.

Welcome to Oregon!

The Times they are a changin'!

Today our country had a Presidential inauguration.
It is undoubtedly an amazing time in our history.

I am pleased that the local schools aired the Inauguration Ceremonies and our children were able to watch this historic event.

I am excited to be witness to this time in our history.
I have encouraged our kids to pay attention to this.
I know someday their children will be asking them what they remember about this historic event.

I don't think of myself as being old enough to be a 'bearer of history'.
But as part of Alex's homework assignment, he was asked to find someone who remembered the Kennedy assassination.

Well, I remember the Kennedy's assassination.
Or I should say, I remember the Kennedy funeral.
So I guess I am getting old, or at least I am old enough to help with current high school History assignments
Granted, I was 3 years old, but I remember.
It was a significant time in my / our history much like today.

I remember my dad being home from work in the middle of the day.
The TV was left on all day which was unusual for the time.
My older sister was on the couch with my mom.
My dad was laying on his right side on the floor in front of the TV propping his head up on his right hand.
I sat crossed legged in front of him leaning back against his stomach.
We were all focused on the TV and it wasn't to watch cartoons.
(My dad loved to watch cartoons with us.)

All of a sudden my dad tapped me on my left shoulder saying,
"Julie! Pay attention to this!
Someday your kids are going to ask you about this day."

I thought to myself, "I will have kids someday?"

Now I understand what my dad meant.
It has come full circle. His firm tap on my shoulder did the job.
I remembered.

I hope I have 'tapped' sufficiently on the shoulders of my own children today.
Our children should remember this inauguration they are considerably older than I was for the Kennedy assassination.
For that, I am grateful.

Quite honestly, a number of my 8 children didn't need 'tapping'. They get it!
They understand the significance of this inauguration.

Today I feel honored;
honored to be an American,
honored to be a parent,
and so proud of my kids.

79 and climbing

In December of 2007 I blogged about the number of kids concerts I had attended over my years of parenting.
Well the number is climbing and is closer to 85 now.

The Walker Middle School Christmas Concert had to be rescheduled to last week due to the snowstorm that hit in December.
Jeff and I were both able to attend and were actually surprised at what we heard.
A new music teacher broke with tradition and taught the students a new song.
What a treat for us and from the standing ovation, it was evidently a treat for many other parents.

With the invention of camera phones, I have begun to capture spontaneous moments to mark some of the kids activities.
I have found that I have very few pictures of myself with the kids, so last Friday I asked Jeff to take a picture of Jacquie with me. After several humorous attempts in classic Jeff fashion, we were able to get our photo.

(everyone should experience Jeff in this way, just once)

Next month there will be another concert as Laura has her first performance since taking up the flute.
I can hardly wait... to see what kind of photos we capture.

The Joy of Family Photos

Even though I am getting older and sometimes I forget things I should remember, I do remember our first family photo with just Melissa, Brad, Jeff and I.

Thankfully I don't have that photo to add to the blog.
I remember the struggle of getting little ones to sit still,
or to look at the camera at the appropriate time.
Years passed between that first family photo and the second.

We had 5 kids when we took our second family photo. The group photo turned out, well... adequate. What I remember purchasing and hanging on the wall was a photo of the 3 older girls and the 2 boys.


When We first moved to Kearney, St James was making a parish directory and was asking all families to have their photo taken. Had it not been for this I seriously doubt we would have ever sat for a professional photographer again. We had our third formal family photo taken with 6 kids, 8 in our family,
We were still at St James about 5 years later when it was time for another parish directory, so we scheduled an appointment. I know it was difficult for the photographer to fit all 10 of us into the frame (by then we had all 8 kids and Laura was less than a year old) but somehow he managed.
He barely managed to get everyone to hold still.
Most everyone was looking at or in the general direction of the little birdie,
and 80% of us were smiling.
This was acceptable to us.
After all the years of raising our family, thankfully a formal family photo has never been a need of mine.
I have more fun trying to capture the experience of just getting the kids together.

If I were to look back on my blog, I am guessing there are some informal family photos from 07/07/07.
Our family now includes two more members; Mike Welsh and Zack Herrmann.
I still enjoy trying to get the kids together in the hopes of capturing a moment in time.
But part of me is always looking around the room for the ones who aren't here with us. Melissa, Justin, Mike, Cale and Zack are missing from these photos.

In the meantime, until we all are together again, here is a moment in time with the 7 that were here.

More Games

Last night it was more family fun.
We played Cranium until 1:00am.

What I learned about myself;
I can draw fairly well even with my eyes closed,
And I can do an impersonation of Jacques Cousteau,
But I can't hum a recognizable rendition of 'Wild Thing'.

Holiday fun

Christmas break started early for the kids here in Salem as we had 5 snow days in a row before the official school break began.

We were fortunate to have Brad and Aimee arrive in a narrow window and in between snow storms.

All of this has allowed us some great family time.


We spend nearly every night playing a board game and often times we watch a movie too.

It feels like our time is coming to a close as the younger kids start back to school on Monday and Brad leaves on Wednesday.

We had plans to go to the coast, or Camp 18. We've talked about exploring Portland and a couple of new restaurants.

Even though the weather has kept us home more than we anticipated,
the benefit has been the chance to play together.

And Mike comes on Thursday giving us some additional opportunities for family fun.

Happy New Year

It is New Year's Day,
It turned out to be very different from our original family plan for the day.
And by Different I don't mean bad...

A Change of plans is sometimes easy and sometimes it is not.

For the most part everyone took this change in stride....
except for me.
I don't know why.
I can't explain my feelings.

Why does life seem so hard at times?

I don't have any answers.

I am still searching.

Whatever the situation may be....
I have to believe in a
Happy New Year.

Let it snow, Let it snow, Let it snow, No More!

Well, Salem has received more snow this month than they have in 40 years.
And tonight and tomorrow more snow is expected.
The roads are nearly passable, except for the steep hill leading to our house.
However, I did manage to get out today and back home safely.

Thank God, because I was getting a bit of cabin fever.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and I have much to do.

Love to all of you that check in with me via my blog.

Another Salem Snow

Longtime Salemites are marveling at the snow this week.
They indicate that this is unusual for our area here in the valley.


My kids have had 5 consecutive snow days for what this native Kansan considers a measly amount of snowfall.

The significant differences between a Kansas or Nebraska snow verses an Oregon snow:
Little city equipment or funds designated to clear the roads,
Lots of steep hills to battle,
Multitude of inexperienced ice/snow drivers,
and very little wind to battle.



So as my food budget has soared while the kids have enjoyed an extra week of Christmas break, all in all it has been a very pretty snow and the kids have had a blast with all the sledding opportunities this week has provided.

More snow is expected going into this weekend. And I am glad I decided to hang on to at least one snow shovel.

Red Glove Warfare

It evidently isn't often that Salem gets snow,
let alone snow that sticks,
requires shoveling,
provides for sledding,
or allows for a good old fashioned snowball fight.

But on Sunday we had just that...
a snow that stuck,
a snow that required shoveling,
a snow that provided our street with great sledding opportunities
and because of that, out came the gloves!

It was red glove warfare time!

Winter Rose

As the snow began to fall I noticed a few remaining roses.



I had to capture it on film, well I guess it wasn't exactly film...



I do like my digital camera.

December Travels

I am heading home!
After 5 days in the winter wonderland of Nebraska, I am heading back to Oregon.

Things I will miss:
Melissa and Justin, Aimee and Mike (even though they weren’t in town this time around), and Brad, my oldest son.


I will certainly miss Cale and Zack, my two grandsons.


Early morning breakfast, and evening dinners together; the laughter of young ones at play. I will miss sharing with a young mother the joys and struggles of parenting toddlers.



Miechelle and Scott, Trevor and Jenny, Jared and Bobbi, Torp, Matt, Jose, Sonny, and Jim.
And I will miss the spiritual guidance and direction from those that listen to me so well.


I will miss going to the store,
the coffee shop,
church,
even the gas station,
and running into people I know, but haven’t seen in a while.

I will miss the quirky things found in a small town like a Liquor store that also doubles as a mini storage.


And I will miss Thunderhead beer. !

What I won’t miss:
Dry skin, static-y hair that clings to your face,
and chapped lips.
Not being able to leave the house without my gloves.
Trying to unlock doors and get inside,
all while fumbling around with numb fingers,
Blowing snow and wind chill below zero,
icy roads,
and having to stand outside in sub zero temps and pump your own gas.


Moving away has been a difficult transition for me. Most everyone knows that. One of my spiritual mentors likened it to grieving over a death, yet there is no grave, no tomb stone, nothing to give it closure. It is also difficult to know where one is at in the midst of the grieving process. Am I still stuck in the beginning? Maybe I have transitioned to the middle. Or Perhaps I am nearing the end of my grieving process. I guess it is sometimes hard to tell.

So I have to make my own closure;
my own milestone,
or benchmark that shows my progress. …
However, I do feel as though I have made progress in the past 18 months.

But there are still things I am grieving the loss of.
Going back helps me.
Each time I go for a visit and leave again,
it is another step towards the future,
another step towards letting go.

And visiting Nebraska in the ‘dead’ of winter helps me let go!
The weather STINKS!

I am very much looking forward to a more mild Oregon winter!

Sunday Fun and Recreation

I know I indicated my next blog would be about the mushrooms and fungi of Silver Falls State Park, but today was too much fun with just us girls and I wanted to post a few pictures.

We went to the local "Paint your own Pottery" place and made our selections and just got creative.

Here are a few pictures...

To anyone else this would simply be a lided jar or urn.
But not to Laura Jayne!
This is her alien space ship landing on earth...

Jax, the Queen of everything, naturally went for the Crown.


Caroline wanted a clean slate, (or in this case a plate), in which to create her own design. She was very excited about her dinosaur.


Lindsey also painted a crown before she helped with painting Christmas gifts for Cale and Zach, (which is what prompted our trip to the pottery place). Living with 6 young women in our house is bound to create a "Queendom".

As for me...
I was trying out a potential new tattoo on my 'clean slate' before I tackled one of the Christmas gifts.


All in all.... a great way to spend a Sunday afternoon.

Perhaps the next blog will be about Mushrooms.

Escape to Silver Falls State Park

This past spring & summer were filled with many celebrations, graduations, a wedding, 2 reunions, a funeral and a few trips to the beach, along with an anniversary in Seattle. I enjoyed all the family and friends we were able to celebrate life and death with but I was in definite need of some time to process and re-create on my own. Last June I made reservations for my birthday and set my sights for a November get-a-way. Sometimes it seemed like a long time in coming, but the wait was worth it.

Silver Falls State Park was my destination.

It became clear a couple of weeks before my birthday arrived that an entire 4 days alone wasn't going to happen. (It seems that I might possibly be the only one in my whole family who thinks time alone is something to be desired.) We were all able to strike a balance. Some time alone, some time with my best friend, and some time with the kids who could join us. After all, it is only 40 miles from home and Jeff was great about shuttling the kids to and from the cabin so I could relax.


There were gorgeous sunsets, brilliant moonlit nights, and still, morning sunrises.







I wish I could share the park with everyone! From the Trail of 10 falls, to the Lodge, to the plant life and wild life... everything is a gift to experience!




A family of deer visited us each day.

A pesky raccoon came by every night.

And then there was the 'wild life' that slept in the cabin with me.



I took well over 200 photos. But regardless of the composition, the quality of the photo, or how I try to adjust the color to accomodate for the gorgeous sunlight streaming through the trees, nothing can capture the sounds, the smells, the experience of hiking the falls.








I had a wonderful adventure that was enhanced by my most excellent find.....

a Purple Mushroom!


Seriously! This is no product of Adobe photoshop or any other digital manipulation.
I saw a number of the deepest, richest color of purple growing on a wild mushroom/fungus or some type of plant that you could ever imagine.

I never knew such a thing existed! After all I am from Kansas!

Next Blog Subject: The Mushrooms of Silver Falls State Park!