Good-byes

Well, as of 10:10 am this morning, Brad and Aimee were winging their way back to Kansas via Southwest Airlines.

  I know they were both anxious to be heading home. After all they have been here 3 weeks and a day.  But I think there was a bit of nervousness surrounding the cold snap that has moved through the area.

Good byes are always difficult around here.

Especially when the good byes are being said with the family members that we don't see as often.  

 

I guess in the back of my mind is always the thought that this could be the last time we see them.

I don't mean that in a morbid way, although it does sound a bit morbid.

But I mean that simply as an awareness that life is precious and fragile and shouldn't be taken for granted.

Tomorrow is promised to no one.

So I anxiously await the news that the plane has landed safely at MCI at 3:35pm.  Then I can anxiously await the news that Brad makes the drive back to Lincoln safe and sound.

If if tomorrow comes for me, I will begin exploring my life's options.

January Sunrise

January 7th ... (today is my neice Ellary's birthday!)

And it is the last day Brad and Aimee will be here for Christmas break.
They have to head home tomorrow and that makes me sad.



However, I am glad the day is beginning with a wonderful sunrise and temperatures will be in the mid 50's.
It should be a great day for Aimee to fly a stunt kite and for me to do some beach combing.



I miss family & friends back in the plains terribly and look forward to seeing them in 3 weeks. I find myself feeling a little guilty about the cold weather they are enduring while we are blessed with a mild winter.
But mostly I pray it warms up soon in Nebraska!
I don't think I have a coat to keep me warm enough for -15 degree weather with -35 wind chill!

It's been a good week...
Monday was hiking in the mountains,
Wednesday walking through the Hawthorne district & window shopping,
today the coast and beach combing.
I can't complain!

Next week I will be forced to face the reality of being unemployed and what I am supposed to 'do' or 'be'.

Simple Pleasures

Today I had the simple pleasure of spending time with 3 of my oldest 4 children.

Brad and I took Aimee to Portland so she could take the GRE exam.
While waiting we went to Ikea, Target, the Bridgeport Ale house on Hawthorne
and made a quick stop by my sister's house.

Then we met Lindsey for a quick bite at Burgerville!

I am counting down the days until I get to see Melissa again.
Its been too long!

Tonight has been relaxing with tacos and beer while watching a recap of the KU / Cornell game.

Tomorrow the coast!

Seasons of life...

I have often heard it said,
Life is like a game of chance; you win some, you lose some.
I've also heard,
Life is a battlefield; you better get the enemy before the enemy gets you.

I suppose there can be some truth in those concepts, but I have been reflecting on the idea that life is like the Seasons. Life is not a battlefield nor a game of chance, but it is something rich, vibrant, and ever changing.



Life cycles through the seasons in all aspects; relationships, work, family, even health.
I am trying to decide what season I am in at this time in my life in terms of my life's work.
Am I in Fall when life begins to fade and go dormant in preparation for the harshness of winter?
Or am I already in winter where things are still and quiet giving time for reflection before Spring comes with all its new growth?
Maybe I am coming out of winter and heading into the rainy season of spring.
One thing I know... it doesn't feel like I am in the season of summer.



I think if I lived on a farm or out in the country it would be easier to embrace and live this idea of having Seasons of life. But I live in the city around the hustle and bustle of life where what we do and how we behave is geared more towards manufacturing than agriculture. I live in a world that thinks more about how you 'make' your life, than how you 'grow' your life.


I think I have already tried to 'make' my life.
And I haven't always done a very good job.
I need to take some time to let my life grow.
It is kind of scary to think about letting go.
...of letting life grow without control.
What if all I get are weeds?
What if I kill all the new growth?




But if I rely on hope,
If I lean on trust,
If I have faith that God can grow in me,
Then perhaps I will grow into something the world needs.
Or at least something my family needs.

29 years!

Today is Melissa's 29th birthday.
In so many ways it doesn't seem possible.
Where did the years go?
Has that much time passed?

And in so many other ways, I can't remember life without her. It seems like yesterday I was 19 and expecting my first baby.
I was young enough to not be scared.
I believed I could handle anything.

Sometimes that might be the best way to go through life;
not fully knowing whats ahead so that one can believe anything is possible.

29 years ago, when Melissa was born, I was working full time and helping Jeff through school.
We could only afford 2 weeks off before I would have to head back to work.

I was blessed to be supported by so many loving and experienced parents.
My mom agreed to watch Melissa for the first few months of her life while I worked.
I don't know what I would have done otherwise.


Before we could turn around she was in grade school and seemed so grown up.

Melissa had all the characteristics of a first born: determined, competitive, assertive, very energetic and ambitious.

There was no telling Melissa 'no'.

And before we knew it she was graduating.

Our oldest was leaving home.

We wondered if we had done enough.

Or if what we had done was good enough.

Melissa has grown into a beautiful young woman, wife, mother, and educator. By the Grace of God I think as parents we did a fair job.



I don't have words to express how proud I am of Melissa and all our kids.
But there is something about watching your child become a parent, and parent young ones even better than you believe you yourself have done that is amazing.




Amazing,
and incredible,
and well....
like watching a miracle take place right before you.


This past year Melissa got her Masters degree! I admire my daughter so much for that. I know how hard school is while working and parenting. I wasn't able to do all three. But Melissa did! Maybe it was the 1st born characteristics that helped. I also realize how supportive her husband must be to give her the time, encouragement, and love it takes to accomplish this.

Melissa I wish you a very Happy Birthday and all the blessings you deserve!

Books, books, & more books

They call Powells, the city of books. The building occupies an entire city block at 11th & Burnside.
It is like a literary MECCA.
And I am lost in it tonight.

Powell boasts one can shop over 4 million new and used books. I don't know If this includes their collection of rare books or not.



There are satelite stores at 5 other locations in the Portland area as well.

To help the customer find what they are looking for, the rooms are color coded and they give maps containing the store layout.



I have about another hour to pass the time here at Powell's while waiting for Jeff and Brad to get done with the Trailblazer game.

Hope all of you get a chance to venture this way and explore what the store has to offer someday.



-- Post From DWNTWN's iPhone

Auld Lang Syne

New Year's Eve.

Here it is once again.

I have struggled over the years with getting excited about the new year.
Maybe because as a kid it marked the end of our Christmas break.

As a teen it just meant another night when my friends went out and I worked drive up window at Wendy's serving all the drunks.

As a young adult, and with babies in the house, I seldom drank. I might have a toast at midnight if I was still awake.

It wasn't until 1999 that we actually celebrated with friends.
The year of the big Y2K scare!

That year began a tradition of us 6-8 couples getting together and playing a How to Host a Murder game, full costumes and all. Those are great memories.

This year we are back to celebrating at home, not with little ones mind you.
And it is different having adult children to celebrate with.

But it leaves me to ponder the event a New Year celebration is to so many and wonder why?

What am I missing?

Or is it just hype?


Here are some quotes I found reflecting other's thought about the New Year:
(In No particular order.)


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning.
~T.S. Eliot
(I like the line: next year's words await another voice.)


He who breaks a resolution is a weakling;
He who makes one is a fool.
~F.M. Knowles
(Would I rather be a weakling or a fool?)

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions. ~Joey Adams
(If I don't make a resolution, does that mean my troubles will disappear?)

We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day. ~Edith Lovejoy Pierce
(Chapter 1: Opportunity. I need more time to think about this.)


The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to. ~P.J. O'Rourke
(Jeff don't get offended, please. I just thought it was funny.)


Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to. ~Bill Vaughn
(That be true!)


An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in.
A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves. ~Bill Vaughan
(I figure the new year will happen whether my eyes are open or closed.)


Many people look forward to the new year for a new start on old habits. ~Author Unknown
(This has generally been my pattern. In light of the above quote about being a weakling or a fool, I am still undecided.)


A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other. ~Author Unknown
(I thought this was funny and accurate. At least for me.)


Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man. ~Benjamin Franklin
(You can never go wrong with ole Ben. I believe it was Ben that said, " Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.")


People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas. ~Author Unknown
(Another true statement that should become my resolution.)


We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives... not looking for flaws, but for potential. ~Ellen Goodman
(As I have begun my list of repairs to make around the house in my unemployed state, I think I will take this quote to heart.)


The only way to spend New Year's Eve is either quietly with friends or in a brothel. Otherwise when the evening ends and people pair off, someone is bound to be left in tears. ~W.H. Auden

(I wish all my friends and family much love and happiness in the coming year.)

Curve Balls

Today a curve ball came zinging past me.


I wasn't prepared for it.

I was caught just outside the batters box adjusting my batting glove,
knocking the mud out of my cleats, and adjusting my helmet.

I appears I had my feet in the box just far enough for the pitch to be thrown.

And I didn't even get off a weak swing.

A good friend was laid off at Habitat today.

He didn't see the zinger coming either.

Its funny how in hind site things become more clear.

I resigned on the 9th of December with full intent to stay on at least through January when they could find a replacement.
I was told to be gone in two weeks.
In the next sentence I was offered the opportunity to be 'laid' off so I could file for unemployment.
I declined.
It felt... wrong.

Now I can only 'assume' their intent was to let me go at the end of the month regardless.

I don't mind so much letting a pitch pass me by and not taking a swing at it.
Lord knows I let some good pitches go a time or two in the past.
Theres that...
along with the knowledge that I have at least 2 more pitches coming.

But no one likes to be caught off guard or unaware.

It appears my desire to get out and not play the game any more was a good call.
I evidently wasn't very good at playing their game anyway.

So another friend left behind is trying to cover the infield all alone.
And I have no option but to sit on the sidelines and watch the game play on.

Snowfall in West Salem

Our house sites up on a hill at nearly 500 ft above sea level.
Often times this is just high enough for us to get
amazingly huge gentle snow flakes.
Today was one of those days.

This is our first snow fall of the season.
Snow isn't common in our area in spite of the large amount
of 6-8 inches we received last year during the Christmas break.
The weather indicated it would be 40 degrees today.
Someone was wrong.

I was glad to be home where I could grab my camera
and head outside and get some shots before the snow went away.

I am thankful for the beautiful snow and for how it melts away easily.
And I am thankful to have something to blog about
other than what is rolling around in my head.

Perhaps tomorrow....

Significance? ...or not?

Today I am feeling much better.
I can't help but reflect on the coincidence of my falling ill on my last day of work at Habitat.
And 5 days later, Monday, a work day that I am home and no longer employed
...I am feeling better!
I have taken it easy today, not pushed myself, played with iPhoto, and colored my hair.

Is there any significance in feeling better?
Probably not.

But it is something for me to blog about which I hope to do more of in the coming weeks/months perhaps years.
Who knows.

Tomorrow, hopefully I will be more inspired to get up and moving before the day is nearly done. Then perhaps I will have something of significance to blog about.

or not...?
;-)

Being sick

I'm not very good at being sick.
I am more comfortable helping others, not being helped.
But I've been battling fever, chills & muscle aches for 5 days now.
I am surprised how 100.5 makes one feel verses the normal 98.6.
I wouldn't think nearly 2 degrees could cause such illness.
It doesn't help that this is Christmas weekend.

The kids and especially Jeff are taking good care of me.
I guess that is a huge perk to being married to a doctor.
I wish I was better and could celebrate Brad's birthday today the way I planned.
Instead I am laying in bed listening to the kids make plans, and cancel plans, based on whether I can join them or not.

No pictures with this post...
But I am able to at least pass my waking hours with a little journaling and Facebook.

Christmas Joy 2009

Well we have finished our Christmas celebrations for 2009.
It's been a joy filled time with the kids in spite of battling a fever and muscle aches.




Our family numbers 9 with Brad & Aimee here,
I still miss the larger gatherings with family and friends.
So I am extra thankful that we had some time with my sister and her family today.


Here are a few pictures of some of the family fun...
Jeff and his KU snuggie!
Sporting a snuggie makes one feel like a bit of a dork while wearing it,
but I do admit is quite warm when one is feeling feverish
.


Sometimes the kids do 'play well with others'.
and it is always fun to watch them as they get a bit silly.
















I hope all my friends and family have had some Christmas Joy with their loved ones this year.
Know that you are in our thoughts and prayers through the holidays.

Last Day.

Today is my last day at Habitat for Humanity Mid Willamette Valley.
I am not sure how I feel about this.

I resigned for good reasons.
I feel at peace about my decision,
but I just wish things would have been different here.
I wish politics had not gotten in the way of the mission.
Maybe my wish should have been for me to be better at politics.
But...
I am not good at politics.
I am not good at playing games.
And ultimately it felt like trying to do such was killing my spirit.

So in about 6 hours I will walk out on this chapter of my life and once again be soul searching.

Adventing...

Advent at the Brown house has taken on a different look this year.

Growing up Catholic I have always been taught that
Advent means 'to come'.
It is a time of preparation, of waiting, anticipating the coming of Christ.

But in the past few 'decades' it seems like we do a lot of preparing,
but not much waiting or anticipating.

I wanted this year to be different.

I didn't want to get as caught up in the preparation part that comes with Advent and Christmas as I have in years past.

I wanted to have some waiting, ...
...some anticipating.

And if I am to be honest....

I wanted a less stressful Advent.

So in my selfishness I thought it would be a good idea to engage the household preparations in stages.

First Sunday in Advent we bought our tree.

The second Sunday of Advent we put our tree up and got new candles for our Advent Wreath.

The Third Sunday we added lights to the tree.


And finally,
after a bit of waiting and anticipating....
the fourth Sunday of Advent arrived and we decorated the tree complete with Angel on the top.
(okay, maybe it was Saturday and not quite Sunday but you get the idea.)

I'm not sure the kids like or appreciate this experience of Advent,
but I know it has made my weekends considerably less stress filled.

So to anyone out there that happens to check my blog, I share with you the sentiment of my dear friend Jim...

Advent Well!

Transitions.... Again!

I am transitioning once again.


I am boxing up my memories, all my 'fung something', bits and pieces of myself again and packing them away on a shelf in the garage.


I resigned my position at Habitat for Humanity to become a stay at home wife and mother again.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find a place that truly feels comfortable, feels like I fit in, and belong. (I should clarify that before some people begin wondering what I mean.)

My wondering applies more to what I am supposed to 'do' with my life,
and isn't about who I am supposed to 'be' with.

I know resigning was the right decision at this time, but it doesn't keep me from wondering what I am meant to do now.

Am I just supposed to 'be'?
Be here for Jeff?
Be here for the kids?
Just be ... here?

Maybe the answer is yes, at least for now.
Maybe the answer is yes.

I think that is the scary part for me.
Maybe the answer is just yes.

Fr. Dan used to say we are Human 'Be'ings,
Not Human 'Do'ings.

Perhaps that is all I need to do is just 'Be'.

Beginning 8 days from now I will be unemployed by my own choice.
I let go of a job in a time when thousands are unemployed and unable to find work.

So I better get used to the idea...

I will try to not 'Do' so much and just 'Be' for a while.

I guess that will leave me more time for blogging.

Perhaps the Best is Yet to Come!

Hearts of Stone

Hearts of Stone...
Stone shaped Hearts...
Heart Rocks...
The heart rocks...
Rocks rock! ? !...
I love rocks.
I have loved rocks since I was a kid.
I am sure I have blogged about rocks in general and specific rocks before.

But they still fascinate me.

When I go to the beach I never know what rock might capture my eye.
Sometimes they are simple and round.
Sometimes perfectly Square.
Sometimes it is a rock that has a hole worn clear through it.
Sometimes they are black and sometimes they are pure white.

But my favorites are those shaped like hearts.
I haven't found that many over the years, but last night I found another one.
Its a perfect size to carry in my pocket.
I think I will carry it with me for a while until I add it to the rock bowl sitting at the edge of my tub.

Certain rocks stay with me for years and I always remember when and where I found them.
They remind me of a certain time in my life. Other rocks I add to the bowl and I don't remember what intrigued me about the rock or why I picked them up to begin with.

This one I think I will remember for a long time.