Motivation or Purpose? Or Both?

I seem to find myself in a new and different place these days.

Not a place really, more like a state; a state of being.

I'm not sure whether it is a state of laziness or a state of apathy.

I blogged a while back of my desire to learn to be a human 'BEing', not a human 'DOer'.

I wanted to let life grow in me and see where that might lead.

So here I am, only a month or so later and I feel stuck.

I feel unmotivated.

I feel impatient.

I am lacking purpose.

I am not sure what to do about this state I am in whatever I decide to call it.

Do I do nothing? 

Or do I do something?

If I do something, then what?

And if I figure out what, then I am being a human 'DOer' again.

But life right now has me feeling guilty about being lazy, unmotivated, purposeless, and stuck.

Please don't misunderstand entirely!

I know I quit my job for the most important reason in the world; to tend to the family and be a better wife and mother.  

I know I made the right decision.

But that role is one I have had all my life!  Or at least all of my life that I can remember. 

I don't mean to boast, but I think I am pretty good at it by now and it doesn't take me all day to do it.

Being a wife and mother at this stage of the game is quite easy compared to years past.

So I am beginning to look at what else is my purpose? 

Where does my motivation come from now?

My motivation and purpose as long as I can remember has been an extrinsic motivation, an external motivation; get the kids up, make breakfast, find shoes (that match and fit), make sure teeth are brushed, drive carpool, clean house, do laundry, make meals, wipe noses, change diapers, do more laundry, pick up kids, start homework, make more meals, wash dishes, brush teeth again, bathe little bodies, read bedtime stories, wait for teenagers to get home, buy groceries, mow lawn, do more laundry, sleep 5 hours, and do it all over again.

20 years of this got tiring so then I threw in working full time to add a few challenges to my day.  Lets just say...

My pace of life was ... fast!

Now my pace of life is ... slooowww.

Its a drastic change of pace for me. 
Some of the time I don't mind. 
But I will admit to feelings of lazyness and uselessness.

So I continue to work at being aware.
I am working to understand my self, and find a motivation that gives me purpose.


I know that the motivation needs to be intrinsic this time, not extrinsic.
It needs to come from within, it needs to be a desire I have.
What ever my motivation is, it needs to be something I am passionate about, 
something that stimulates my mind and my soul.

I know I will find motivation and purpose, but perhaps I need to find the virtue of patience first.